...(Ok, I'll be honest and say that MOST days don't go as I plan!)
For a Type A personality, that's rough! I make lists, whether physically or just mentally, of what "needs" to happen every day, and when I think it needs to happen, so when something happens that isn't on the checklist, it can really throw me for a loop.
As you've probably guessed, today was one of those days where things just did not go as planned. Homeschooling was met with many struggles, my tiniest T is still sick with an upper respiratory virus of some sort, some appointments got changed (which is good, but led to rushing around trying to get needed forms gathered sooner), my kids misbehaved all through tonight's rehearsal, etc. It's not really that anything earth shattering happened, (and some really great things happened today, too, like a sweet friend bringing me my first PSL of the season and helping me with my kids, and another friend bringing me an assortment of gourmet pickles, and an impromptu lunch outing), but it was just a day full of LIFE happening, and today, it left me drained in the parenting department. I felt like a broken record all day long, just totally unable to get through to my precious Lucy. Before leaving for church, I looked her straight in the eyes and said, "I know you want to feel in control of things, because your life has experienced a lot of out of control things, so there's a need to keep things stable. But you've got to remember that you aren't in control. Who's in control?"
I literally think I did a double take, because I honestly thought it was a rhetorical question.
"No no no, honey! Not me! GOD is in control, and He's placed me over you to draw you closer to Him. Every single thing I do and say to you, is to help you draw closer to Jesus. I fail at that a LOT, but I need you to know that that's the goal: I want you to love Jesus, so that's why I get on to you and don't let you get away with certain things. I just want you to draw close to Jesus."
I'm not sure it fully clicked with her, but I think, more than anything else, it was really the Lord speaking through me to remind me of the important calling He's given me. Perhaps my trying so hard to control my daily schedule has come off looking to my kids like I am the one who's taking control, when in reality, no matter how hard I try to maintain control, it is ALWAYS Jesus, and I have the ability to choose whether I will recognize Him or not.
A video popped up in my Timehop yesterday of Annie last year. She had this game she liked to play with us called "Who's the boss?" She would play-cry when we told her that Daddy or Mommy was the boss, and then she'd giggle and smile if we told her that she was the boss. Even 2 year olds like to feel like they have control...
I am truly so grateful for my chaotic life. It is full of love, laughter, beauty from ashes, grace...I have an amazing husband who cherishes me, four incredible miracle babies who love me, a church family that allows me to serve, opportunities to use the gifts God has given me...but when I take a step back and peek in on all of it, I realize that somewhere inside of me is a little two year old that's throwing a fit when I'm not told that I'm the boss...and that's where Grace steps in, and oh how I need His grace! It is greater than my need to control, it is greater than my poor responses, it is greater than my struggle to forgive those who have wronged me, it is greater than my kids' disobedience...It is greater, and It is enough. So on a day when I feel like I've just had enough of the battle, my Jesus reminds me that He's still on the throne, and His grace is enough to cover it all.
After all, He's the boss!