Mommy Meltdowns...

I'm so behind on posting some of the milestones in our family's life from the past few months, but that's just because we've been busy living, so that's a pretty great reason in my book:)  However, maybe I'll get caught up since today is a holiday and we're all having a lazy day hanging out in our jammies with family today.  In the meantime, here's a post I wrote a few days ago that I wanted to share with y'all... 

From December 30th, 2013:

This is one of those posts where I just feel the need to be really real/transparent, because I have a feeling I'm not alone in days like today...

Don't get me wrong-today was not a "bad" day at all.  I got to have lunch with my family-a family we never thought we would be able to have, but by God's graciousness He has expanded it and allowed DH to enter into his seventh year of being cancer free.  Maybe the weight of that responsibility was weighing heavily in the back of my mind as I took my three children-two in 

tow and one in utero-to brave the shopping crowds all afternoon for some last-minute Christmas gifts (nope-we aren't done celebrating yet!) and some much-needed grocery items.  Mind you, this is after Gabriel was up until 4 this morning (he's cutting a tooth) and due to today's outing he was missing out on a much-needed nap. (Which he found at the dinner table apparently!)

I found myself loading up on a big dose of mommy-guilt.  I was feeling guilty Gabriel was missing that much-needed nap; I was feeling guilty that Lucy was spending her Christmas vacation helping me instead of me doing something fun with her, and I was feeling guilty about feeling overwhelmed at the thought that soon there would be three little ones to cart around at a grocery store...is that even possible?!  Here's the deal tho-Lucy and Gabriel were SO amazing all afternoon.  In spite of Gabriel having to be exhausted, and in spite of Lucy having to be kind of bored, they both were so obedient and pleasant and enjoyable and helpful pretty much all afternoon.  The problem tho?  Baby mustard seed wasn't behaving quite so well.  I spent most of the time on my feet feeling like I was about to fall to the floor-I felt nauseated, weak, exhausted, and the Braxton Hicks contractions were coming on so strongly.  I didn't even know if I had the energy to get my groceries put in the car I was so just physically drained.  I found myself crying in the car on the way home, feeling like I just needed time to stop for a moment.  After the most crazy Christmas season we've ever had, I think my pregnant body just kind of wanted to shut down on me and send me to bed for the next several days-no bags to pack, no presents to wrap, no events to plan, no programs to present...just a moment to stop for once from all of the craziness...but there wasn't time for that, and I knew it. (I should interject that I'm not complaining at all about everything that's gone on this past month-we have felt honored and blessed to be apart of it all!)  So I drove home, unloaded groceries (which Lucy eagerly helped with), got the kids a snack, and started putting things away, all the while needing to immediately start dinner and clean my floors before our dinner guests arrived.  Instead, I found myself sitting lifelessly at my dining room table in tears.  I thought the kids were playing together in the living room and eating a snack and not paying attention go me, but I forgot I have a very perceptive six-year-old, so I should have known better.  I had pulled out the vacuum cleaner, but as I got started on dinner and busy with laundry, the floors moved further and further down the list of possibilities...until my precious six-year-old comes up to me out of the blue and asks, 

"Can I vacuum the floor for you, Mommy?" 

Can you what??! Seriously? I told her that would be WONDERFUL!  And you know what?  Even with the patches of missed spots, it was the most beautiful looking vacuumed floor I've ever had.

Afterwards, I gave her the biggest hug and said, "thank you so much for helping mommy out today-you have no idea how much it means to me."  She replied, "I just wanted to do something to make you happy because you seemed sad...and I like to vacuum!  I want to vacuum for you every day now!"  Melted my heart...and broke it at the same time.  Just as I had been feeling so overwhelmed at the thought of soon having three children and wondering how I'd ever manage to be a good wife and mommy to everyone, there comes my daughter.  It was as if the Lord was whispering in my ear that everything was going to be ok.  But that guilty side wanted to yell at me, "How dare you let her see you struggle! You're supposed to have it all together; to be everything for everyone.  You're such a failure..."  And while I know that's a lie, it is so easy to believe it when you're physically and mentally give out.  But how precious is my Jesus to remind me that no, I don't have to do it all and that He always provides a way to see us through even the little details of life...and sometimes He does so through the form of a little six-year-old girl.

 As a momma, my greatest desire is for my children to see Jesus IN me, but today, my daughter showed Jesus TO me.  I truly am so humbled and blessed by my precious children.  God knew I needed encouragement as a momma today, and He brought me that through the actions and attitudes of the ones who have blessed me with that role.  Seven years ago, we didn't even know if we could ever have a family, and now here we are with seriously the two greatest kids I've ever known and another precious life on the way!

When I woke up this morning, the movie WALL-E was on, and this quote really stuck out to me: 

"I don't want to survive; I want to LIVE!"

So as we enter into a New Year, I want to remember to not get bogged down by life, just waiting for a moment to breathe, because I don't want to just survive, but to truly LIVE. I want to look for God in the mommy meltdowns of life, for what an opportunity to be lifted up to see life from an even more amazing perspective than I ever imagined, which is often through the eyes of a child. 

Halloween 2013...

This week has been so jam-packed.  In some ways, that's a good thing, because it helped the time pass by quickly as we look forward to our big family vacation.  But in other ways, it's left me pretty drained physically and emotionally...

My Pa-Pa (my mom's dad) had surgery this week, and it appears they found several spots of cancer.  I really wanted to go spend some time with him since we are about to head out of town, so Gabriel and I loaded up on Tuesday morning and headed on an impromptu road trip to visit family.  On my way to their house, I stopped in my hometown to visit my Gibber (my dad's mom), but she was out running some errands so I had a little extra time to pass by.  It had been awhile since I had visited my daddy's grace, so I decided to take a few minutes to go by the cemetery.  I'm not sure that was the best idea for a hormonal pregnant woman, but I felt like I needed to go.  I'm always sad when I go out there, because I know he isn't there, so it just feels so empty and lonely staring at all of the headstones filling up the cemetery, and it just seems so wrong that my daddy's name is written on one of them.  As I drove towards my grandmother's house afterward, I noticed all of the halloween decorations filling up people's yards, and one in particular really stood out to me: these people had gone to town, but not in a way that was pleasing to my eyes at all.  Their entire yard was filled with cobwebs and coffins and skeletons.  It was so dreary and DEAD looking, and a question struck me:

Why do people take so much time and energy to celebrate death?

As a Christian, I live with a hope that I will experience LIFE after death.  Yet the idea of celebrating death as the end...I don't understand the draw towards that.  And I especially didn't understand it from the perspective of having just left the cemetery where, six years ago, we laid my Daddy to rest after he had died. It just seems to me like we often try to make light of death, and especially of anything that represents hell.  Have you ever noticed that when people talk about hell, they often make jokes about it?  I think we do that as a coping mechanism of dealing with something that seems unknown to us, or something that scares us.  Rather than treat it for what it really is, it's easier to try and make light of it...but no matter what we say or do, it doesn't change the reality of what is.  So, for me, halloween has nothing to do with ghosts and goblins and bloody makeup.  I just enjoy dressing my kids up in fun costumes and making fun family memories...and that's exactly what we did this year!

A nearby church was hosting a fall festival, so our family met up with some other families from our church and headed there.  The kids looked so sweet in their costumes, and we all had a lot of fun.  Lucy went as Snow White this year, and Gabriel went as Mickey Mouse.  The kids played in bounce houses, we ate kettle korn, played some fun carnival games, took photos, and went and visited at a friend's house afterward...and we might have had a fun size candy bar or two along the way:)  No scares, and so many sweet memories made:)

Star of the Week...

My sweet baby girl is turning SIX this week, and she happened to be chosen as the "star of the week" this week at school...Ok, actually, she got chosen to be star of the week LAST week, but we had one of "those" weeks, and her precious teacher told me not to sweat it and Lucy could just be the star again for this week and turn her things in this week instead.  I'm not sure why the project stressed me out so much...probably because Lucy was just SO very excited about it, and I was hoping her momma had the skills to help her out so her project lived up to the expectations she had dreamed up for it in her head.  Well, we finally finished everything up this evening, and I definitely had one very excited (almost) 6 year old on my hands!  

For this project, they are given a piece of posterboard (I think she got to pick the color--of course,  she chose PINK!) and they are supposed put pictures on it that tell all about themselves.  We chose some pictures that show some of the things Lucy loves the most, which ended up overwhelmingly involving family.  (I love that she feels family is the most important thing to her!)  I know you can't really see the photos up close, so I'll explain them to you:  

Lucy LOVES rainbows and drawing with sidewalk chalk, so we chose a picture of her jumping over a rainbow she had drawn on our driveway.  I penciled in block letters for her and she traced over everything and colored it all in.  If you notice the yellow drawing to the right of the exclamation point after her name, that is her picture of what a "light" looks like.  She wanted to be sure and include a light on her poster since she takes it very seriously that her name means "bringer of light.":)

Below that is a photo of her and DH at the Breakfast with Dads event they recently had at school.  Lucy LOVES going on special Daddy-Daughter Dates with her daddy!  She also likes to play around on her pink guitar, and I think she hope she can one day play like her Daddy.  It was cute to listen to her tell me what colors she wanted to use for different parts of the poster.  Any time she chose green, she would say, "because that's Daddy's favorite color."  She certainly has a special bond with her daddy, and I'm so thankful for how close they are.  He truly is the most amazing daddy I've ever known.

The next set of pictures shows Lucy trying on a pair of womens heels.  She loves playing dressup and especially enjoys getting into any of my "fancy" shoes.  She also has recently started helping me cook more and more.  I often ask her to help me in hopes that if she helps prepare the food, she might actually EAT it as well (she is SUCH a picky eater!)  My plan hasn't worked out too well, but she still really enjoys the cooking process, even if she isn't in love with the eating process.

The third row of pictures is of Lucy with her grandparents--Nonnie, Opie, and Gi-Gi.  She is so crazy about each of them!

And the last set of pictures shows Lucy with Daddy, me, and baby brother.  She was very adamant about her family being the thing she loved the most.  

It's interesting to me that this poster didn't include pictures of her with a favorite toy, although Lucy has never been one to be attached to toys much.  The things she enjoys most seem to be things that involve being with the people she loves, whether that be watching a movie together, going out to eat together, doing a fun activity together. etc.  Quality time is obviously important to her, and I want to remember that as I seek to show love to her in a way that will best speak to her.

The second part of Lucy's big project involed a box. She was to choose 5 items that represented who she is--hobbies she has, things she loves...basically anything that would help the class learn more about Lucy.  Included in those 5 items needed to be her favorite book.  It was SO hard for me to try and not push certain ones on her (the ones that I especially enjoy reading to her like "Petunia the Silly Goose" and "Cat, You Better Come Home.") but I really wanted this to be HER project.  I did give her some guidance of course as she sorted through her thoughts, but these are the things that SHE came up with, along with the reasons why she felt that they should be included in her 5 things:

First of all, she chose the book, "Where, Oh Where Is Huggle Buggle Bear?"

This is an ADORABLE book that my mom found for like $3 at Ross several years back.  It's one we have read over and over and over, and she never grows tired of it.  It's funny to me that she chose it as her favorite book as it is about a boy trying to find his favorite bear before bedtime, but its off finding all sorts of ways to lengthen the amount of time before he has to go to bed.  Sounds an AWFUL lot like someone else I know!;-)

Lucy was very adamant that this particular Hello Kitty be included in her box.  She is really into Hello Kitty right now, but this particular one is special to her because Nonnie and Opie brought it to her from their trip to Japan, which is where Lucy's "Aunt Bubba" lives.  Lucy has a very close relationship with DH's sister.

Another thing Lucy LOVES right now is Knock-Knock jokes, so I asked her if she might want us to make a book of knock-knock jokes to place in her box.  She LOVED the idea.  Since she's just in the early stages of reading and writing, I wrote out all of the jokes for her (I chose her favorites), but then had her draw a picture to go along with the jokes. I especially loved her picture of the "little old lady Who."  I kept telling her, "Honey, I don't understand where all the lady's hair is?" and she fianlly told me, "Mom, her hair is all up on the top of her head in a BUN."  hehee:) I love it!  I really think this particular item in her box says a lot about who Lucy is, because she loves to laugh and to make other people laugh.

Certainly something that defines a lot of who Lucy is would be that she's a big sister.  It's a role she prayed for for a very long time, and she truly takes it very seriously.  She absolutely loves her baby brother, and it's quite obvious that he adores her, too.  I was just telling someone today how Baby Mustard Seed is pretty much all her doing, because she has prayed so diligently for another sibling.  I am so thankful for the amazing faith my daughter has, especially at such a young age.

And lastly, Lucy placed her ladybug star nightlight in her box.  This was a gift given to her (from a very dear family to us who was extremely influential in our being able to adopt Gabriel) when Gabriel was born, and she has pretty much slept with it every single night since.  I think this is such a great item to be in her box since her name means bringer of light.

Oh Lucy, truly that is what you have done from the moment you entered our lives.  You have breathed light into your entire family's life, and we are so proud of the youth lady you are becoming.  Never stop shining as brightly as you do my precious one!  You aren't just the star of the week this week at school, but you truly have been a bright, shining star from the moment you were born!  Thank you for shining so brightly on our family!

A Letter to Gabriel...

My dear sweet Gabriel,

As I'm rocking you to sleep and your head is nuzzled underneath my chin...as I listen to the sweet babbles mixed in with words like "daddy" and "happy"....as you open your mouth wide to yawn and settle in for the evening...I can't help but wonder: do you know how very much you are loved? Do you know how very wanted you are? Do you know how your Heavenly Father has walked before you to bring you from your biryhmommy's womb to my arms?  I imagine at just 16 months old, these are not the things your mind contemplates...but when I see the way you smile at your daddy, and when I feel the way you lean in so tightly for me to hug you, and when I watch the way you respond to your birthmommy, a part of me feels that you do know to some extent. You know that you are loved, you know that you are wanted, and you know that your beautiful life has a purpose.  And just in case there is ever any doubt in your mind, know that I promise to never let you forget. Every day you will hear that Mommy and Daddy love you...and we will ever remind you of the selfless love your birthmom has for you, too...and we will always strive to point you to your Heavenly Father's great plan for your life. What a precious gift you are, my son, and what a blessing that I have been gifted with the responsibility to make sure that you do know how loved you are, how wanted you are, and how precious you are in His sight...

Willing to Heal...

I remember being on a long drive in my car one February day.  The kids were both napping, and no one else was really out on that stretch of highway at that time, so it was just me.  I'm not sure about any other mommas out there, but the Lord likes to meet with me in my minivan, and He did just that on that particular winter's day.  No, not just the season that day made it winter, for my life was in the midst of a winter season, too. Everything seemed so cold and dead at that point. I was mourning the loss of friendships, being treated coldly by people who once were so warm towards me, and I felt so alone from how I was being so horribly misunderstood.  You want to know what's so wonderful

about those seasons of loneliness in our lives though? When we have no one else in our earthly lives, we realize that all we really need is Jesus, and the more we get of Jesus, the more we want, and the more and more He shows up.  So there He was, right there with me in my minivan.  I shared with Him my hurt, my disappointment, and my confusion at what to do with these wounds I had been left with.  And these are the words He wrote so clearly on the depths of my soul in that moment...

"We are all wounded people. And wounds are not pretty. That's why we need a Healer who can make something beautiful out of what is so ugly."

I'm sure each of us has experienced wounds at many points in our lives.  Maybe your little brother took a bite out of your cheek after church one Sunday, or maybe you were doing crazy 8's on your bike and you fell over and fractured your rib, or maybe you got hit in the head with a pickle ball during PE class, and you have the scars to prove it from each incident (not that I would know anything about any of those types of injuries...*clears throat*;-). But most likely, when you think of whatever wounds you have endured, the physical ones aren't probably the ugliest scars you've had to work past...it's the internal ones that have wounded your heart and often effected so many more areas in your life. It's the unkind word someone spoke to you in haste, or the utter betrayal from a close friend, or the abuse you were subject to.  Whatever the reason for the wound, wounds are never pretty.  And, just like a momma says to her child when they fall down, it seems like the world constantly says to us, "C'mon, dust yourself off and be brave and move on-you're going to be just fine." when in reality, the wound is still there, and you feel anything but fine.  There's a fine line between brushing off the wounds as if they never happened, and living a life consumed by your woundedness...and that's where our Heavenly Father shows up: right there in the middle of the hurt and the healing to provide us with a way to go from one end to the other.  The question is, though, are we willing to go through the healing process, because it's not as easy as just brushing off the hurt...

We had quite a scare this past week.  Lucy and another child accidentally ran into each other at Awana on Sunday evening.  The other child was older than Lucy, so when they hit, she kind of bounced off of him and fell...they think to the grass first, but she somehow ended up landing on a concrete grate. She showed some symptoms of a mild concussion (we aren't really sure if that's what it was or if she happened to come down with a tummy bug at the same time) and her poor lip and gums took quite a beating, not to mention her knee and arms and face.  We praise God she seems to be doing well now (it could have been sooo much worse than what it was) but the healing process has not been an easy one.  Each day her wounds tend to morph into a different shape or color, and even though we know it is a sign of healing, there are some moments that the injury looks worse now than it did when it first happened. And with each dab of peroxide, and each application of neosporin, and each change of bandage, we are met with the cries of our precious baby girl.  Wounds hurt-and not just when you first receive them, but also when you are in the midst of healing from them.  Lucy keeps saying to me, "It's okay Momma, you don't have to put medicine on it-I already have a bandaid on it."  Isn't that so like we are many times?  We just want to stick a bandaid over the problem, hoping if we can push it out of our sight that we will forget about it.  But no amount of covering our wounds, our hurt, will ever make it go away.  We need a healer, and healing isn't easy.

So as my precious daughter works through the pain of healing from a physical injury, I have to ask myself: how am I working on the process of healing from those inward injuries?  Am I holding tightly to my hurt and allowing it to turn into bitterness, or am I allowing my Healer to take me through the process of healing those inward wounds?  It's a daily struggle and a daily decision of dying to myself, and it's often not a very pretty one when you're in the midst of it.  But, Oh what beauty our Healer can make if we will allow Him to take us through the process.  Are you willing?

Fifteen Months...

Fifteen months of the sweetest snuggles...the softest skin...the most life-changing smile...

Fifteen months of the most wonderful late night wake up calls...the most heart-wrenching cries for help...the most assertive ways of telling me he does or does not want his milk...

Fifteen months of sweeping my hand through the softest and most gorgeous dark hair and playing with the cutest ear lobes I've ever seen:)

Fifteen months of picking you up as you reach out for me and hold on tightly, not wanting me to let you go...

Fifteen months of rocking you at bedtime and patting your back as you fall to sleep in your crib...

Fifteen months of saying, "You are so very loved and so very wanted by so very many..."

Fifteen months of changing the diaper of the squirmiest boy I've ever known who is ever ready to experience life...

Fifteen months of watching you soak in every moment of life through those gorgeous dark eyes...

Fifteen months of watching your face light up when your daddy enters the room, and seeing the way only Sissy can make you smile...

Fifteen months of watching you learn and develop and grow...

Fifteen months of learning of every beautiful feature of this incredible baby boy...

Fifteen months of joy, tears, and incredible beauty...

Fifteen months made up of so many tiny moments--some difficult and challenging, but all of them precious and not taken for granted, because these fifteen months are not something I deserved; they were a gift given to me.  Because for fifteen months, I have had the privilege of being called "mommy," because fifteen months ago his mommy chose to give me that title.  I have experienced these 15 months because she has not. 

So as my precious son turns 15 months old tomorrow, I am filled with so many emotions, but at the top of them all is the most intense gratitude.  My life is forever changed because of hers...it's a sacrifice so great and so beyond my comprehension, and one I will never ever forget or ever cease to tell my precious boy of. 

And as I think of the sacrifice Gabriel's precious birthmother made, I can't help but think of the amazing sacrifice my Heavenly Daddy made for me.  He chose me to be His daughter.  It was not a title I could earn or that I remotely deserved, but yet it is one He so freely gave to me, even though at such an expense for Him.

So today I'm just feeling so thankful---thankful that I get to be the Daughter of my King, and that I get to be the mommy of my son...both undeserved titles that I cherish and am forever grateful for...

Faith of a Mustard Seed...

Have you noticed in the Bible how Jesus is always so eager to let the children come to him?  Unfortunately, our society often views children as an annoyance, but in reality, children were meant to be a blessing.  I'm always amazed at the BIG truths I learn from my two little blessings, the latest being from my Lucy-bug...

Before we adopted Gabriel, Lucy would pray daily for her baby brother AND sister.  She was convinced we would be adopting twins. So when we adopted Gabriel, she was so excited about having a brother, but she said, "I prayed for a sister, too tho, momma, so you're going to have a baby!"  I smiled at her confidence and said, "well, I don't know if that's possible honey, but you can pray and ask God for that.  He doesn't always answer our prayers exactly the way that we want Him to, but He always answers in the very best way." So, for over a year, Lucy has been praying for her baby sister.  She's even gone as far as TELLING people that I have a baby in my belly!  I've had to have a few conversations with her about this.  (Those of you who have struggled with infertility can understand how difficult it is to have people coming up to you congratulating you on a pregnancy that you don't have.) I tried to explain to her that mommy might not ever be able to have a baby in my belly, but she refused to believe it.  She would just say, "Momma, I KNOW you're going to have a baby in your belly," and I would just smile at her determination, but even more at her faith...  

When you've struggled for so long for something, it's easy to lose that faith.  I will admit that while being able to get pregnant is something that hasn't left my prayer journal pages for years, I had gotten to the point where I wasn't praying for it with very great expectation.  I think a part of that was a way of trying to protect myself from disappointment, but at the same time, I think the Lord had blessed me with a peace in His ultimate plan.  After going through the adoption process and seeing God's hand all over bringing Gabriel into our family, I was so comforted by the beauty of His perfect plan.  I know without a doubt that Gabriel is the baby we had longed to parent and had cried for and prayed for for so very long.  No biological child could ever have filled that void in our mommy and daddy and big sister hearts.  So I believe in this last year God has taught me a lot about trusting His very perfect plan.  That doesn't mean His plan is always easy for us, but I can say with full confidence that it is always best. So, my prayers began to shift, asking the Lord to give us the desire for what HIS plan is for our family...and on August 15, He showed us just what that was...

I'm pregnant!

We are in SHOCK, and we are so overwhelmed by God's kindness to allow us to expand our family.  When we told Lucy, she kept saying, "I just can't believe that God answered my prayer!"  I am so excited to see her faith grow and to see our family grow.  Gabriel will get to experience the joy of being a big brother, and DH and I will get to learn the balance of being outnumbered:-)

What's so cool about the whole thing is to see God's fingerprints covering all of the details.  Just one example: We have not had maternity coverage since we were pregnant with Lucy, and DH's new insurance just went into effect right before we got pregnant--which includes maternity coverage.

When we first learned of this pregnancy, our baby was the size of a mustard seed, and I cannot think of a more fitting analogy to make other than that.  In Matthew 17:20, we read this:

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

Lucy has truly had faith the size of a mustard seed.  When she found out about this little one she exclaimed, "MOM!  This is Gabriel's TWIN that I prayed for!"  I just love that sweet little girl:) and I won't be at all surprised if our "baby mustard seed" turns out to be a girl.  After all, there's nothing quite as powerful as the faith of a small child...