Monday, December 30, 2013

Mommy Meltdowns...

I'm so behind on posting some of the milestones in our family's life from the past few months, but that's just because we've been busy living, so that's a pretty great reason in my book:)  However, maybe I'll get caught up since today is a holiday and we're all having a lazy day hanging out in our jammies with family today.  In the meantime, here's a post I wrote a few days ago that I wanted to share with y'all... 

From December 30th, 2013:

This is one of those posts where I just feel the need to be really real/transparent, because I have a feeling I'm not alone in days like today...

Don't get me wrong-today was not a "bad" day at all.  I got to have lunch with my family-a family we never thought we would be able to have, but by God's graciousness He has expanded it and allowed DH to enter into his seventh year of being cancer free.  Maybe the weight of that responsibility was weighing heavily in the back of my mind as I took my three children-two in 
tow and one in utero-to brave the shopping crowds all afternoon for some last-minute Christmas gifts (nope-we aren't done celebrating yet!) and some much-needed grocery items.  Mind you, this is after Gabriel was up until 4 this morning (he's cutting a tooth) and due to today's outing he was missing out on a much-needed nap. (Which he found at the dinner table apparently!)
I found myself loading up on a big dose of mommy-guilt.  I was feeling guilty Gabriel was missing that much-needed nap; I was feeling guilty that Lucy was spending her Christmas vacation helping me instead of me doing something fun with her, and I was feeling guilty about feeling overwhelmed at the thought that soon there would be three little ones to cart around at a grocery that even possible?!  Here's the deal tho-Lucy and Gabriel were SO amazing all afternoon.  In spite of Gabriel having to be exhausted, and in spite of Lucy having to be kind of bored, they both were so obedient and pleasant and enjoyable and helpful pretty much all afternoon.  The problem tho?  Baby mustard seed wasn't behaving quite so well.  I spent most of the time on my feet feeling like I was about to fall to the floor-I felt nauseated, weak, exhausted, and the Braxton Hicks contractions were coming on so strongly.  I didn't even know if I had the energy to get my groceries put in the car I was so just physically drained.  I found myself crying in the car on the way home, feeling like I just needed time to stop for a moment.  After the most crazy Christmas season we've ever had, I think my pregnant body just kind of wanted to shut down on me and send me to bed for the next several days-no bags to pack, no presents to wrap, no events to plan, no programs to present...just a moment to stop for once from all of the craziness...but there wasn't time for that, and I knew it. (I should interject that I'm not complaining at all about everything that's gone on this past month-we have felt honored and blessed to be apart of it all!)  So I drove home, unloaded groceries (which Lucy eagerly helped with), got the kids a snack, and started putting things away, all the while needing to immediately start dinner and clean my floors before our dinner guests arrived.  Instead, I found myself sitting lifelessly at my dining room table in tears.  I thought the kids were playing together in the living room and eating a snack and not paying attention go me, but I forgot I have a very perceptive six-year-old, so I should have known better.  I had pulled out the vacuum cleaner, but as I got started on dinner and busy with laundry, the floors moved further and further down the list of possibilities...until my precious six-year-old comes up to me out of the blue and asks, 

"Can I vacuum the floor for you, Mommy?" 

Can you what??! Seriously? I told her that would be WONDERFUL!  And you know what?  Even with the patches of missed spots, it was the most beautiful looking vacuumed floor I've ever had.

Afterwards, I gave her the biggest hug and said, "thank you so much for helping mommy out today-you have no idea how much it means to me."  She replied, "I just wanted to do something to make you happy because you seemed sad...and I like to vacuum!  I want to vacuum for you every day now!"  Melted my heart...and broke it at the same time.  Just as I had been feeling so overwhelmed at the thought of soon having three children and wondering how I'd ever manage to be a good wife and mommy to everyone, there comes my daughter.  It was as if the Lord was whispering in my ear that everything was going to be ok.  But that guilty side wanted to yell at me, "How dare you let her see you struggle! You're supposed to have it all together; to be everything for everyone.  You're such a failure..."  And while I know that's a lie, it is so easy to believe it when you're physically and mentally give out.  But how precious is my Jesus to remind me that no, I don't have to do it all and that He always provides a way to see us through even the little details of life...and sometimes He does so through the form of a little six-year-old girl.
 As a momma, my greatest desire is for my children to see Jesus IN me, but today, my daughter showed Jesus TO me.  I truly am so humbled and blessed by my precious children.  God knew I needed encouragement as a momma today, and He brought me that through the actions and attitudes of the ones who have blessed me with that role.  Seven years ago, we didn't even know if we could ever have a family, and now here we are with seriously the two greatest kids I've ever known and another precious life on the way!

When I woke up this morning, the movie WALL-E was on, and this quote really stuck out to me: 

"I don't want to survive; I want to LIVE!"

So as we enter into a New Year, I want to remember to not get bogged down by life, just waiting for a moment to breathe, because I don't want to just survive, but to truly LIVE. I want to look for God in the mommy meltdowns of life, for what an opportunity to be lifted up to see life from an even more amazing perspective than I ever imagined, which is often through the eyes of a child. 

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