The Peppermint Marshmallow Candle...

This may be a record for how long I've gone between published blogposts. I've started many, but just haven't been able to finish them and actually post them. It's been a busy season changing from the various hats I'm blessed to wear right now. I'll admit that many of the past several months have been quite challenging and have caused me to hold things closer to my heart. I think I may understand a little more about what Luke 2:19 means in saying that, "But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart." Today isn't the day to dive into all of that, but I hope one day I can share it all here.

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I'm currently sitting by our front window snuggled up in my favorite Mema blanket.  The chill coming from the front window coupled with the view of the streets blanketed in leaves having fallen from the now bare trees definitely set the perfect mood for an early December day. The past few days, I've really been wanting a candle to put in my studio to fill the house with a nice Christmas-y scent. I immediately thought of those amazing Bath and Body Works ones--you know how they always have the best holiday smelling candles? I just didn't think that was something I needed to spend the money on right now though. We went out as a family today to do some Christmas shopping, and Lucy and I went to pick out some gifts at Bath and Body Works. I found myself over at the candle section smelling this amazing Peppermint Marshmallow scent. We later headed for the line and Lucy asked me, "Where's the candle, Mom? I thought you wanted it?" I told her, "I'm not going to get it. I don't usually buy presents for myself before Christmas." A few moments later, a lady behind us in line came up and asked Lucy what the name of the candle was that I was wanting because she wanted to bless me with it. I couldn't believe it. She ran over to find it and I just started crying. The past several days I had been wanting a Bath and Body Works candle--it wasn't anything I needed by any means, but a total stranger simply heard a conversation I had with my daughter and, on the spot, chose to live generously and selflessly.

During the Christmas season, we reflect on lots of things and we practice many traditions. Perhaps the widest spread tradition is that of giving gifts. We may often lose sight of the reason behind our doing this, but the theme behind giving and receiving gifts is all because of our Saviour that was given to us so that we might have the gift of eternal life should we choose to receive it. Our church is currently asking our congregation to focus on acts of giving throughout this holiday season as we reflect on Christ's amazing gift to us. I find it so beautiful how the Lord would choose to allow me to be the recipient of such a precious example of someone's desire to be a blessing to someone else. I pray that the Lord will help me to have a spirit of generosity like this sweet woman did for me today.

Pass it on, friends!

Transformation...

*THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK...CLANK clink clack CLANK THUNK THUNK...*

It's been a symphony of construction at our house the past few weeks. While some might find the noise annoying, it was certainly more like music to our ears as years (literally!) of prayers had been creatively answered, even down to how we found a contractor that was perfect for the job we needed done. (Remember all of those neck issues I've been having? I spent months in physical therapy trying to get some relief from the issue and my physical therapist "happened" to mention he knew of a wonderful contractor.) I still remember when the contractor originally came out to our house and stepped around all of the toys in the garage, making measurements and telling us his plans of how he could make the space into a room. He was confident of his ability to transform our space, and while I knew that he could build a room out of our garage, I just wasn't sure how it would ever truly feel like anything but a garage. But, God opened the (garage) door wide open and made it clear this is what we were supposed to do, so we trusted the contractor and embarked on the expansion just a little over three weeks ago.

They started to work on a Monday and the frame went up on Tuesday. I excitedly entered the (still to me) garage after the workers left to see how everything looked, but my heart immediately sank. It looked SO tiny! How would we ever fit any furniture in there?! The space seemed so narrow... Perhaps we made a mistake in how we had planned it out? But thankfully, DH came home and calmed me down, had me walk around other bedrooms in the house for some perspective, and he reminded me that the room wasn't finished yet. It was going to look and feel different when it was all done, but I just wasn't able to see that end result at that point.

We stayed up late that second night into the project with Lucy, covering every single piece of framework in scripture. I'll never forget her turning to me at one point and saying, "Mommy, thank you so much for taking the time to do this with me. This is so special!"

We truly made it her room. I think that's when it started to feel more like it could actually be a bedroom and not just a garage.

We planned out where we thought her bed would go and placed scriptures on the framework by it about not being afraid, since she has often struggled with sleep issues. We placed specific scriptures over the closets and doorways and by the light switch, each one having significance for her precious life. With each step, we all grew more and more excited, but I still couldn't visualize what the finished product could possibly look like.

Every day, things happened that made the room more and more complete. Sheetrock, insulation, and texture were all added...

Built in shelves were added connected to a box-like structure that hid the garage door opener so we could continue to use the door automatically for our "new" remaining garage (it made it look like a built in bookcase) and doors were placed...

Everything got a fresh coat of paint...

And then carpet was laid and all of the finishing touches were made...

It certainly was no longer a garage but truly a gorgeous room and an incredible example of God's kindness and His response to many years of praying for the creativity to make this home work for our family. I find myself just wanting to sit in Lucy's new room and just soak in the beauty within those walls--not just the physical beauty of the fresh paint and pretty decorations, but the beauty of answered prayer, God's perfect timing, and His incredible plan. So often in life, I just cannot see past the ugliness of what I'm going through; I can't make sense of the hurt I'm experiencing or come to terms with the trials I'm facing, but God is able to see past the state that I'm currently in and knows what He's capable of doing through me. He knows what beauty He can make of the ashes. I may not be able to see what He's doing in my present circumstances, and I may not feel like I'll ever be able to view it any differently, but if I'll allow Him, my Jesus has the plans necessary to renovate even the dreariest of hearts into a beautiful, wonderful masterpiece. Just three weeks ago, I was parking my minivan in the very spot that my oldest daughter is now parking her head to sleep each evening, and it's really hard for me to think of it in its previous state now, because the room has truly been transformed. Perhaps I thought we were going to have someone come in and put up a wall, slap some paint on it, and we would just call it Lucy's new bedroom, but it would still always just be an old garage underneath. That's not what happened here though. Our contractor took a dirty old garage and transformed it into something totally new and amazing, and that's exactly what God desires to do with each of us...

The process isn't typically our favorite part of the journey (I think that applies to SO many areas of our lives!)--that's why I didn't really post any pictures about it all while we were in the process of having it done. I really wanted to be able to show it to y'all from start to finish, so I'm super excited that I can now take you on a tour of Lucy's new room, which feels like a big gift straight from our Heavenly Father!

The wall to the left when you walk into the room. We added some of our headbands to this $5 find!

I made the canvas with the theme verse I chose for Lucy years ago. I chose Psalm 66:19 for the chalkboard: "But surely God has listened; He has attended to the voice of my prayer."

...When we started discussing what Lucy might want as the new theme for her bedroom, she had one request: no pink! LOL! If you've seen her old room, you'll understand why! (The walls are VERY very very very pink!) However, she did end up deciding that some pink was actually okay:)  We talked about a music theme, mermaids, and threw some other ideas around, but then she told me one of the things she really wanted to have in her room was a nightstand with a lamp on it. That instantly reminded me of how her name means bringer of light, so we tossed around the idea of doing something with Matthew 5:16 on her walls, and that's when she decided that she wanted her overall theme to be scripture everywhere in her room. I certainly didn't have any objection to that! I love that she wanted her walls filled with Truth!

This might be my favorite design spot! She wanted something with John 3:16 on her walls ($6 clearance at Hobby Lobby!) and I found the little vases on my trip to the silos in Waco the week before her room was finished. Lucy's a huge "Fixer Upper" fan, so I wanted her to have something from my trip there.

I love how when you walk into her room, you see the calm color on the walls (Sherwin Williams' "Tame Teal") mixed with the clean white lines of the built in shelves and the fun, bright colors in her bedding. Instead of a nightstand lamp like originally planned, we ended up going with this fun multi-color floor lamp that bends in different directions, so it's perfect for her to use if she wants to read in bed. We also wanted her first dance recital frame as a focal point when you walk in the room since it's such a beautiful piece and dancing is a big part of her life with her love for musical theater.

The pink felt board has already been changed out three times--Lucy is having lots of fun with it!

Looking at the room from the opposite direction you can see her closet, the hot water heater hidden behind a closet, the door going into the rest of the house, and then another closet! While this room does belong to Lucy, I did tell her that I would be taking over the second closet! LOL! DH had the idea to put Lucy's toybox bench at the foot of her bed which is the perfect place for her to pile all of her stuffed animals into after she gets up every morning.

The built in shelves are seriously amazing! They are HUGE and are the perfect size for Lucy's very own American Girl dollhouse. The bins help hide clutter on the shelves (as much as possible) and she has lots of space for books and nick-knacks.

And in this photo, you can see that Lucy's new room is definitely the place to be! Everyone has been wanting to hang out there and play. Lucy's never been one to want to be off to herself, so I don't think she minds this one bit, yet she still has the option of having somewhere to go that's a little more quiet in the house when she wants to. The photos might not show it very well, but there is plenty of open floor space in the middle of the room which is so nice! You can also see the chest of drawers and desk that I found on facebook marketplace for her at an incredible price . They "just happen" to match the nightstand and headboard almost perfectly that someone passed down to us for her. We still need to find her a desk chair and desk lamp, but she's definitely all settled in and so appreciative of this amazing gift. It really is so precious to look at everything and see how it all came together and how the Lord provided in such a beautiful and abundant way.

One definition I found for the word "transformation" is this: a complete change in the appearance or character of something so that that thing is improved." Our garage has truly undergone a major transformation. My prayer is that as Lucy grows up in this space, her heart will continue to transform into the young woman God would have her to be. Keep shining brightly my little light bringer!

No Fast Passes for Kindergarten Graduation...

I really wish I had taken a picture of the Disney-esque line that was forming on the sidewalk outside of the kids' school. I was determined not to be a herd animal in the 100 degree heat (or what felt like it at least) and follow suit as everyone slowly began to line up behind one another, assuming that surely they would open the doors soon to let us all in. Nope. The car's air conditioner and contained children seemed a much better option for me until I saw actual movement of the line. Besides, at this point, we were going to be at the back of the line anyway since we obviously missed the last of the fast passes because we didn't abide by the "have your child here no later than 5:15" note.  oops. #momfail #rushhour #Iwonderifwewerethereasoneveryonehadtowait

Seriously, wouldn't it be great if life were all magical like Disney and we were given so many fast passes to use each day?! ;-)

When the doors flew open, flocks of excited moms, dads and grandparents made there way in anxiously to get a good seat while droves of fussy toddlers immediately caught sight of the refreshment table. My eyes quickly fixed themselves on a table of framed pictures of each individual kindergarten graduate in their cap and gown. I scanned all of them, looking for my Gabriel, and then DH pointed "he's right there." I then saw a photo of the sweetest, most handsome little boy, and my eyes filled with tears and my heart just overflowed. In his big, brown eyes were so much love, and in his smile was so much sweetness. And in that cap and gown I saw the baby boy that was growing up into a precious child that I have the privilege to mother and nurture and guide and protect. It was just a simple photo, but it was a reminder of another milestone my little one has reached. He's continuing to grow up, and I continue to be the one privileged to experience it with him. With that, I feel such weight, responsibility and gratitude!

As the graduates rounded the corner, they performed several of their songs and poems from the year, Gabriel ending each one with a "kiss emoji" face that had us all in stitches! I was reminded of his sense of humor and how he loves to make us all laugh.

During the program, he looked over to his Gigi and signed the letter "I" in sign language, followed by making a heart with his hand, and then pointing to her. Gigi pretty much puddled up into the floor right then and there--it was such a precious moment, reminding me of what a sensitive, loving heart Gabriel has.

When his teacher spoke of Gabriel when he received his diploma, she talked about how Gabriel was very special to her from the start because when she first saw him, it was like one of her sons had walked into the room--Gabriel looked just like he did when he was that age! I love that they had a special bond because of that. She also said how he knew all of the Bible stories so well (apparently Jonah and the Whale is his favorite, or at least that is what he chose to draw in his picture) and how special and loved he is, and he knows it, because he has two moms! I love that those are the words she spoke to him at this special moment in his life, and I hope he will carry that with him and remember them in the days to come as he grows older. I don't ever want him to forgot how special he truly is because of this! He is SO so very loved by so many people! I think every time I see him experience a milestone, I get extra emotional because I realize what a gift it is.

I could have missed this. He could have missed this. Our lives could have been so different. But God.

God, in His wisdom, made a way to bring our family together. It is such a reminder to me in every aspect of life that I can trust God with the details, for who else could work them out so beautifully? It might be tempting to follow the crowd with their large lines forming outside the cafeteria walls, and I may be tempted to want to turn in a fast pass by rushing things along instead of waiting on His perfect timing, but my prayer is that I can keep my eyes fixed firmly on my Jesus, and I can allow my heart to wait patiently for His prompting.

 A verse I love for Gabriel is Deuteronomy 31:6 which reads,  

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes before you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." 

 Congratulations to my favorite-est little boy in the whole entire world!

Traffic Lights...

Thursdays are what DH and I refer to as "date day." Three of the four kids are in school, so we try not to plan anything during the lunch hour so that we can go out to eat together. Considering the fact that we still have Tiny T with us, it's technically nowhere near a romantic getaway, but we really enjoy our Thursday "Toller trio" dates. Last Thursday, I had a physical therapy appointment for my neck, so Evangeline got to hang out with Daddy in his office for a bit while I had needles poked through the muscles of my back and neck (I'm getting desperate, y'all!), and she ended up falling asleep watching Buck Denver in his office, so instead of waking her (by child number four, you just know better!) we decided it would be better for me to just bring some takeout up to the church and have a picnic in DH's office. (Any time spent together is a plus in our book!:)

Anyway, after I picked up our food, I pulled out onto what is possibly one of the busiest streets in our area of the city we live in, only to discover that the stoplights were blinking red. As you probably know, this means that everyone has to treat the crossroads as a four-way stop. The only problems is that there are multiple lanes, and apparently, every single car in every single lane of every single side had an agenda that was far more pressing than anyone else's. It was mass chaos! Have you ever seen those old black and white films of people driving before there were stoplights?

It's crazy trying to make sense of it all! However, even with proper guidelines set in place for these types of situations (which everyone with a current drivers license is supposed to know to have been able to pass the exam to receive a license) all bets were basically off. People are so used to the obvious laws that traffic symbols provide us that once you take those away, we don't know how to respond with the freedom to act on our own free will. A part of me wanted to just sit and give up and not even move my car at all, just out of the fear that I was going to get hit. And then at another point (because there were multiple lights that were down) I found myself wanting to be extremely aggressive and just go for it, not even knowing if it was actually my turn or not but just getting it over with and getting to my destination.

I then discovered I was chuckling at myself. I didn't know how to respond to an opportunity without the typical boundaries set in place--boundaries that are there to provide order and safety--and it appeared that no one else did either.

I immediately thought of how this so relates to our spiritual lives. God has so lovingly placed boundaries in our lives because He knows they will help guide us in the right direction. They make it clearer which direction to go and when we should go in that direction. They keep us from stumbling into things we should not, from crashing into obstacles, and from running over others hastily. Boundaries often seem confining, but they exist to keep us safe. We get frustrated when they stop us at inconvenient times, or when they slow us down before we want, but that's because we can't see beyond them, and our Heavenly Daddy can. You see, He loves us too much to not give us boundaries.  What we so often see as confinement and even punishment is actually a loving place of safety our Father has provided specifically for us to thrive within for our good and His glory.

We are currently dealing with an almost two year old who does NOT like to be confined and restricted by any means whatsoever. She refuses to stay put in her crib, fights being placed in her carseat, discovers ways to climb over any baby gate, and is not detoured by any type of child proof lid, latch or lock. To say we are exhausted is an understatement, for it has to encompass every portion of the word mentally, physically, etc. But what a picture this precious child is to me of my relationship with my Daddy-God. I am constantly having to tell her "no" and to pull her away from things that will harm her and that are not good for her, and she continually refuses to listen to me and runs back to them out of her own selfish desires, but out of my love for her, I passionately pursue her to ensure her safety with the goal that she will one day learn to follow these goals on her own will. I am relentless in my pursuit of her until that time though because I love her too much to let her harm herself.

Do we truly grasp our Daddy-God's love for us--the height and the depth and the greatness of it? He has spared nothing to show it to us, and He continually pours it out to us. Sometimes, it's with a bright green light telling us we can move ahead, often times it's with a blazing yellow light reminding us to slow down and wait for His perfect timing, or perhaps He will ask us to come to a complete stop out of His pure love for us. Will we trust that what He has for us will fulfill us far more than anything we could ever seek out on our own?