Everything’s (not always) Coming Up Roses…

 It’s a month until I turn “29” again. I remember my first 29th birthday. Heading into that birthday, I dealt with a lot of sadness because so much of what I thought life would look like hadn’t come to fruition. Hindsight is often so beautiful, though. I can look back on these last ten years and see that my Jesus has moved so many mountains in my life. The story that has played out in these last ten years is so much greater than anything I could have ever hoped for. Has it all been rosey? Certainly not! We have experienced some of the deepest hurt and grief in these last ten years, but I can see God’s hand on every page of our story. 

As I get ready for this next birthday, I am filled with some of those same feelings from ten years ago. I was so excited about celebrating this upcoming birthday knowing that new life was coming later this year. It honestly makes me dread going into this next month with things so much different than what I had anticipated…this isn’t one of those rosey stages. But something happened this week that reminded me that even the most beautiful things have unlovely moments…

Some friends recently gifted me some beautiful flowers, and my mom and DH planted them and others for me after I had my D&C. It’s been very therapeutic for me to water them each day and to see them bloom. Gabriel had even been asking to plant some things, so we he’s excitedly seeing the progress of his sunflowers each day.

 I love seeing all of the vibrant colors peeking through my flower bed now. I have a miniature rose bush that has such a gorgeous deep pink hue,

but in the last few weeks, the blooms started shriveling up and lost their vibrant color. I’ll admit that it stung a bit to see them die off. I’m not the best with flowers, so I worried maybe I had killed my plant. I eventually pulled off the dried up petals some time last week, and a few days later, when I went out to water my flowers, I saw that one, tiny bud had begun to bloom again. New life was growing right before my eyes, and I was reminded that more is to come…if I can be patient and continue tending to it each day. 

I’m reminded that God is at work, my friends. Even in the moments when it seems like all of the good has shriveled up and the beauty has died, He is still tending to it, and He is able to make something beautiful from it. I see how He has done it in my life before, time and again. So many times I have felt forgotten or unseen, but my God is EVER at work. I so desperately desire a different outcome many times, but I will choose to trust Him even when my heart is broken. This isn’t one of those “rosey” moments in my life, but I can feel my Jesus raining down on my broken heart. He’s the Master Gardener, and this is one of those necessary seasons of pruning. The honest truth is that I feel so broken right now. My heart aches. But I’m choosing to trust in the process because He isn’t done yet. And even if I never get to see the blooms that come from all of this, I will still choose to trust Him, because I know He IS able, He IS good, and He IS worthy! 

Yes to the Yes’s and to the No’s…

 I remember Mother’s Day of 2007. We had just found out we were expecting Lucy, and we were beyond excited. We went out to eat after church and ran into the surgeon who had done dh’s surgery on New Year’s Eve and just a week later broke the news that DH had cancer. I remember the dr being hesitantly happy for us since it was very early on in my pregnancy. We pretty much shouted our pregnancy out to the world, though. We had prayed so long for a baby, and we were so thankful that God answered “yes” to that request. 

That summer, my daddy passed away. We found out during rehearsal at church early on a Sunday morning. It was the most intense grief I had ever felt before, and I had so many questions for the Lord. I didn’t know if my Daddy knew Jesus or not. I had prayed for him daily for so long, and I had conversations with him about the Lord, but I never saw the change in him that I prayed for. I’ll never forget my home church pastor talking to me the days leading up to his funeral. “Paula-Beth, God has heard your prayers all this time. He said yes to you when your husband was diagnosed with cancer and you asked for him to be okay, and you praised Him for that. He said yes to you when you prayed and asked Him for a child, and you praised Him for His answer. But this time, God said no. Will you still praise Him even when His answer isn’t what you want it to be?” His words have stuck with me through every joy and every trial I have faced since then. 

This past year has been full of a lot of life changes. God has said yes so many times to us. We have been called to an amazing church where we’ve made sweet friendships and we get to serve together. I am beyond thankful for the group of ladies I work with at Mother’s Day Out and the precious children I get to love on. Our kids are thriving in school and in life in general. Our two oldest have surrendered their hearts to Jesus. We love our neighborhood and have an incredible home…I could go on and on. But the Lord has also said no to us. In the past year, we’ve lost my grandmother, my brother, and our baby. I have again pounded my fists into the floor and cried out to my Jesus asking why, and begging Him for a different answer. But in those moments, I’ve been reminded of dear Pastor John’s words: I praised Him for the yes’s, but will I still praise Him for the no’s?

My God is so good. He’s so good that His goodness doesn’t depend on a single one of my circumstances. And He’s so good that He can even accept my broken and grief-stricken praise. I can’t understand His ways—they are so much higher than my own. But I can trust Him. 

Mothers Day 2022 looks a lot different than it did 15 years ago. I have so many reasons to celebrate, but I also have reasons to grieve. And in the midst of all of the sweet snuggles and the deep grief there is the steadiness of my Heavenly Father. His goodness is constant, His mercy is ever new, and His ways are PERFECT. I can’t understand them, but I can still praise Him. 

So today I celebrate that the Lord has given and that He has taken away. My flesh fights the why’s and the what if’s, but my heart holds fast to Him.