Saturday, March 19, 2016


I'm at the tail end of my pregnancy, and while I am savoring each kick and crazy movement my little Baby H is making, my body is SO worn out. Between sickness, migraines, ulnar nerve issues, insomnia, swelling, and a host of other issues, my body has been on a wild ride! I've found myself fighting guilt over these feelings of being "done" being pregnant. I know what it's like to feel like you would give ANYthing to be able to experience pregnancy. But the reality still is that it's hard on a woman's body to grow and carry another life inside of it. A dear friend reminded me this week that I can be both grateful and miserable at the same time--it's just the reality of the situation, and there's nothing wrong with being real! 

 So, that being said, I've had to spend a lot more time in bed lately than I normally would, just trying to allow my body to rest so that baby H can get what she needs, and so Mommy can function to give everyone else in the family what they need, too. Yesterday was one of those days that I just had to take some time resting, and Annie joined me after her nap. As she was "talking" to me (she cracks us up--she will babble on and on endlessly, but we usually can't understand anything she's saying except for the last word or two), she started pointing at my belly.

ME: Is that the baby?
ANNIE: Baby!
ME: Do you want to kiss the baby?
ANNIE: (can't quite reach my belly): NO!
ME: Why not?
ME: As a matter of fact, Annie, yes. She sure is!

All of my girls have seemed to be "stuck" until forced to move. I had my last OB appointment yesterday before that conversation with Annie, and sure enough, Baby H is following in her sister's footsteps (or lack of foot steps!), so I'm not dilating at all. It seems my girls just like to find a comfy position (i.e. an UNcomfy position for Mommy!) and stay put. Sometimes, I feel like my body just doesn't want to cooperate and do what it is "supposed" to do, but in my heart, I really believe that the Lord is somehow protecting us. For some reason, it's best for my babies to come another way, and in the end, it really doesn't matter if I have some amazing natural birth story, if I have to go through a c-section, or if I receive the amazing privilege of being chosen by a birthmommy to parent my children. God's design for our family is exactly what it should be, and I am so thankful for how He has masterfully written our family's story. But typically, we don't tend to think of being "stuck" as being a good thing. However, as I reflected on my conversation with my toddler, I realized that being "stuck" isn't always a bad thing, and, in fact, Baby H's current position (according to her soon-to-big-sister) appropriately reflects the position our whole family has been in these past nine months. I shouldn't be surprised that God would use this baby to teach me and grow me once again, before she even arrives...

The details aren't really beneficial for me to share at this particular time, but in a way, our family was stuck in a very difficult situation nine months ago. In some ways, it felt as if we had been "stuck" in a horrible position, but what man meant for harm, God chose to work for our good and His glory. It some ways, it seemed cruel to be confined to a space that doesn't seem to allow the freedom to be all you know God has created for you to be, but in the midst of the darkness and confinement, God was at work growing and developing us through our circumstances. In the loneliness, He had us held more closely to Him. And while it felt like life was at a standstill, in the waiting, HE was still moving. And Baby H is in the exact same position right now...

A word that has similar meaning to "stuck" is the word "hold," and we find it in God's word that we are to "hold tightly" to our hope in the Lord. Just as my sweet baby girl is being held closely in my belly until the appropriate time for her arrival, God often holds us in places while he prepares the right place for us...and also while He prepares US for that place. What I'm learning more and more is that it's not so much about WHERE I am as it is about WHAT I'm doing while I'm there. I pray I will be found sitting at my Saviour's feet, or cradled in His arms, drawing closer to Him whether it be in every step He has me take, or in each pause He asks me to endure. May we all find ourselves "stuck" at His side...

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