Tuesday, January 6, 2015

My Greatest Accomplishment...

From the time I was in junior high, I had one big dream: to be Little Red Ridinghood in a production of Into the Woods. I referred to it as my "not-so-secret ambition in life." Well, being 29 (again...and again...and again...) I'm pretty sure my ship has sailed on that dream.

I remember my daddy went through a period of time where he had a "word of the day." One word/term that he shared with me that I have never forgotten was "wool-gatherer." It means someone who likes to daydream. Well, that was certainly me! I had oh so many plans and dreams for my future--dreams I would play out over and over again in my mind. Dreams I was told I could certainly accomplish...when I was older. It was a recurring theme in my life--feeling passionate and led to do things, but so often being told I was too young and there would be plenty of time for them when I was older.  Well, now I'm older...and I'm beginning to get a lot of "well, you're a bit TOO old to do that now..."


I shared with my husband one evening at the dinner table how I so often feel like life is just passing me by, and I'm not accomplishing "anything" I had set out to (in true dramatic flair, using that exact verbiage.) What I failed to realize at that moment were the precious, tiny ears listening in on my conversation. I looked up across the table to find my daughter staring right at me with a sad and questioning gaze in her beautiful blue eyes, as she asked with all sincerity, "Do you wish that you never would have had me?"

My heart sank.

"Oh Lucy...please come here right now." As she walked over to me, completely defeated, I grabbed her close and then pulled her face up into my hands as I locked eyes with her. "I'm sorry what I said made you think that. Don't ever ever ever think for one moment that I didn't want you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. YOU are my greatest accomplishment." 

I suddenly realized the selfishness of my earlier words. I recalled the heartache of not being able to start a family. I remembered my desire to fill the greatest role of a lifetime: Mommy.

And while it is true that there's nothing I've ever wanted so badly as to become a mother, I more often than not feel like I'm the last person who should be awarded such an honored title. The numerous blogposts that pop up amongst my feed talking about how important it is to wake up early in the morning to have our "Java with Jesus"
so we are fully prepared for the day...and here I am struggling to get out of bed before 9AM after being up late with children that won't sleep and a baby who needs her momma in the middle of the night followed by my insomnia...
 Then there's the toy closet that looks as if it might explode through the tiny crack between the door frame and the wall, that no matter how many hours I spend organizing, it just looks like the same mess within days... Then there's the pile of laundry in my closet floor that I just can.not.seem to get caught up on. And how about the crushed up veggie straws lining the inside of my minivan floor? Who am I kidding? I'm doing good getting all three kids out of the car without everyone having a major meltdown, so there's no time to clean the car out. But worst of all are the moments when Annie is screaming, Gabriel is disobeying, and Lucy is arguing with me, all while I'm trying to get clean clothes on and get everyone out the door because we are, yet again, running late. (Please don't get me started on the post running around saying that people who are late are rude and inconsiderate. Even if I were to get up an hour earlier to try to avoid the last-minute mishaps, that would just give more time for another diaper blowout or spilled drink or untied shoe on the way out the door.) I could go on, but my point is this: I feel like a failure. If someone were to watch my life play out on the stage (and let's be honest--as a minister's wife, I DO feel like people are watching my every move) they would probably write a review that was less than stellar, bidding readers to stay as far away as possible.  I find myself looking at the other mommas around me-the ones homeschooling their kids while they have babies at home, too...the ones holding down a full time job with young children at home...the ones who scrub the grout between their kitchen tile and seem to always have their house in order...I feel like I can't even get my teeth brushed by a decent time most days! 

So what do I do? I retreat. I start searching out a different role in life. One where I can pretend to be someone else-anyone else-because maybe then the world will watch that person instead of the real me. Maybe they will be distracted and not hoan in on my flaws. And maybe my children and my husband would be better off without me around so much.  If I need a break from myself, surely everyone else does, too, right? Right!

And for a split second, I believe the lies, until my Heavenly Father whispers a response in my ears: 


God didn't choose me to be a momma because I was so awesome at it. God chose me for this role despite my weakness, so that I could be a vessel to show HIS strength. 

I think I often feel like every day I'm waking up to audition for this role, desperately wanting a call back and ending the day defeated that I just couldn't measure up. But I'm looking at the wrong audience. The ones whose opinion matter the most are those three precious cherubs who call me their momma.

The ones who wake me up every morning with excitement for what's in store...the ones who dirty up their clothes and add to the laundry pile from living life with abandon and excitement...the ones who pull out their toys and make messes from using their sweet imaginative minds, inviting me to play with them...
the ones who leave sippy cups and crumbly snacks behind
because they're eager to be on the go with wherever Mommy wants to take them...the ones who are learning how to ask for forgiveness and also how to accept it every time they accept my apologies with, "It's okay, Momma. I forgive you." 

Yes, there are seasons where it feels like I've fallen short and am failing, but that's when I get to experience God's power in an even greater way in my life. Life isn't passing me by-life is standing right in front of me in the form of three incredible blessings who call me their momma, and who I call my great accomplishment...

No comments:

Post a Comment