God’s Promises…

 

There’s something special and almost magical about spotting a rainbow. The vibrant colors reflected in the sky are truly a beautiful sight to see, and from a spiritual standpoint it’s a significant reminder of the promises of God. God used the rainbow to specifically promise that He would never flood the entire earth again. As believers, this beautiful symbol can also remind us of each of His promises upon our lives.

When I was a teenager, there was a popular CCM artist who had a very heavy classically trained pianist background. I spent hours a day in my teenage and early adult years training as a classical pianist, so I really resonated with his music. At that time, the local Christian radio station would frequently play his song “Rainbows in the Night.” Listening to it today, many would find it sounds pretty dated as styles have changed quite a bit since then, but I still love the gorgeous classical solo moments and the deep meaning to the lyrics: 

[Verse 1]

Deep within this darkened heart of mine

The Word of God still shines with hope

Deep within this frightened life I live

A voice so soft and still grows

And when the sun is hidden

And the shadows cloud my starless skies

Amazingly, I turn and see a light

[Chorus]

God's promises are rainbows in the night

Shining hope inside when shadows cloud my eyes

His promises are rainbows in the night

Guiding through the darkest times

God's promises are rainbows in the night

You may be aware that a baby born after a miscarriage is often referred to as a “rainbow baby.” This is because rainbows symbolize beauty after a dark time just like the birth of a baby brings joy after such a tragic loss. Our pregnancy in 2022 was something we’d never planned on, but when we miscarried, our family was suddenly missing someone. We prayed and asked God what He would birth from that feeling, so when we became pregnant again this year, we were cautiously ecstatic. Conversations soon became centered around “When the baby comes…” as we prepared for this precious one’s arrival.

I struggled every day with fear of losing this baby, too, but I knew I had to choose to trust. (I think we often shame ourselves when we struggle with fear, but it’s not the actual fear that is the problem. Rather, it’s what we choose to DO with that fear. For me, this meant I had to make a constant choice to look to the Lord, and isn’t that where we ultimately want to be?) As I daily chose to surrender my fears and trust the Lord, a frequent prayer was that God would prepare my heart to grieve or rejoice for whatever HIS plan was for this baby. In the end, this meant that the Lord was preparing my heart to grieve another loss, as Sparrow was not meant to be our rainbow baby. 

Before my surgery, a sweet friend brought a meal over to our house along with the most precious gift—glasswork art of a rainbow. She told me that as she made it, she prayed for our family. It’s hanging in the window by where I have my quiet time, and I love how the sun shines so brightly into it at certain points of the day, reflecting such rich, vivid colors. 

As I reflect on losing Sparrow, I will be totally honest with where I’m at in this process of my grief which is I just do not understand how this could be God’s plan for us. Why even allow us to get pregnant again if He was going to take this baby from us? I’m thankful God allows me to come to Him with these questions. Rather than blame Him or become bitter, though, I so desire to surrender the hurt and confusion and just let Him wash over me with His comfort and love and grace. I’m reminded I can question God while still ultimately choosing to trust Him.

I have come to terms with realizing I may never understand why this played out the way that it has, but I do know that the Enemy would love nothing more in this situation than for me to allow my limited understanding of God’s plan to cause me to question my ability to trust in Him. Anger, bitterness, and confusion won’t bring my baby girl back, but surrender to the Lord will bring me comfort as I struggle through my hurt, grief, and loss. It’s in the darkest of night when we get the blessing of experiencing a peace and comfort that only our Heavenly Father can give. I can understand joy better when I have experienced sorrow. I grieve deeply because I loved deeply, and I can recognize beauty more fully when I know what it feels like to sit among ashes. No one wants to experience pain, but we get the opportunity of experiencing comfort on a deeper level when we have endured great hurt and loss. 

As we drove home from the hospital on Friday after my surgery, it started to rain. Just one exit from our home, my husband said, “Paula-Beth, look! Look at the sky!” As I looked up, I saw a full rainbow painted across the sky. My husband and I both began to cry. It was as if the Lord was saying, “I see you, and I see your pain. You are not forgotten. Don’t forget the promises I have for your life.” 

I know we are being held by the Ultimate Comforter as we wade through this season of intense grief. I know His promises are just as true today as they were two weeks ago when my baby was still alive. Again and again I will choose to trust. This is a dark time in our lives, but we know He has overcome the darkness, and in His kindness He continues to send us messages that point to His light piercing through these dark moments. His Word is True, and He is ever faithful and good, friends. As I wrote these words the other day as the rain fell against my window, this was my prayer: "I’m going to cling to Your Truth, Your faithfulness, and Your goodness with all I have today as I hear the storms raging outside on this rainy fall day, and as the storms of my life rage up within me. Yes God, you are still good, even in this." 

Being the Hands and Feet of Christ

Just a head's up: this is a long post. I thought about breaking it up, but wasn't sure the best way to do that. Writing has always been cathartic for me, and right now, I just need to be able to speak what's on my heart. As much as I hope all of these words are able to minister to someone, I needed to find an outlet to just express where I'm at right now, and apparently, there's a lot swarming around in my brain these days! Whether or not you make it through this entire post, thanks for giving me an opportunity to share my heart...

I think anyone reading this has walked through some sort of tragedy in life, and I hope you’ve been blessed by having people come alongside you as you struggle down a path you never expected to have to walk. These paths are numerous in type and unique to each individual, though, andmany of us often struggle in finding the best way to come alongside those we care about in their times of grief, loss, pain, etc. As I was reflecting on how so many have reached out to us during this recent unexpected turn in our life, I wanted to share my gratitude for all that everyone has done, but also offer some ideas on how to come alongside each other for those of us who struggle knowing what to do when tragedy strikes those we love…

The last week+ has been a devastating one for our family learning that our baby was no longer growing inside of me. Many of you know I had a late first trimester loss back in April of 2022. It was a total surprise pregnancy that rocked our world, but we quickly became ecstatic to tackle what we thought was a new and exciting path for our family. We have grieved over losing that precious baby girl, so when God surprised us with a “rainbow baby” back in June, we felt overwhelmed with the blessing and excitement to have the opportunity to add another member to our family. I had to remind myself daily that it was okay to both be extremely excited but hold all things loosely, knowing that God’s ways are perfect and good, and I could trust Him with whatever outcome He had for this new pregnancy. Our baby was fully formed with all of her organs in place and my body was busy providing what she needed to grow inside of me. But it was not God’s plan for us to get to bring this baby home and love her in our arms. I may never understand the reason for this loss on this side of Heaven, but it doesn’t change the Truths that God has promised me: 

“…I will never leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6) 

“The Lord is FAITHFUL to all His promises and LOVING to all He has made.” (PSALM 145:13)

“…for the Lord comforts His people and will have compassion on His afflicted ones.” Isaiah 49:13b 

“When you pray, I will answer you. When you call to me I will respond…” (Isaiah 58:9a)

“The Lord, the Lord God, is merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth.” (Exodus 34:6)

“…For Lord will go before you,the God of Israel will be your rear guard (also go behindyou)…” (Isaiah 52:12b)

We see the character of God and His promises to His people woven throughout Scripture. I could easily go on and on, as my list is far too short, but hopefully you’re catching my drift that the Word of God is True and we can trust Who He is. I’m not capable of fully understanding His ways because I’m not yet fully glorified with Him.

I can, however, trust His heart, and it’s a choice I get to make whether or not I will do so when faced with circumstances completely out of my control. One thing I never lose control over, though, is my choice in how to respond to what He allows in my life, and that has been a hard reality lately during this time of mourning. I believe God knows our human minds will often struggle to truly understand His character-His goodness- when our circumstances seem anything BUT “good,” but He is merciful to us in our questioning. I believe we often experience both His mercy on us and a glimpse into His character by Him giving us tangible reminders through the outpouring of love of His people. He’s been so gracious to bless me with that in this situation, and it’s made me realize ways I can bless others with a tangible expression of God’s love when they are hurting. With this, I realized maybe I’m not the only one who sometimes struggles with trying to navigate sorrow with a loved one when you haven’t walked a similar road. So, I just wanted to take an opportunity to share how others have responded to us in the past week and a half. My heart is both so full of gratitude and grief at the same time. It’s a strange combination to experience, but I thank Him for coupling my grief with His tangible compassion. 

1. When you’re in the midst of losing a baby and are faced with unimaginable decisions, you may find that you just aren’t capable of making normal, everyday decisions. Just because one life stops doesn’t mean that the other responsibilities in your life stop, too. I currently just don’t have the ability to make simple decisions for my family as we’ve had to make some VERY weighty decisions that have no “good” or easy outcomes, and as my body has fought infection during the wait to be able to pass my baby, and now as I recover physically and emotionally from no longer carrying this baby inside of me, it’s just been really hard for me to even decide which clothes I need to wash for everyone for the week. (I’m being very vulnerable right now-maybe others don’t react this way, but my body kind of went into flight mode this past week.) The day before we found out our baby had died, we had planned to make a big Costco trip as we were in serious need of groceries. I began to feel especially nauseated that evening (I tend to get debilitating nausea in my pregnancies until I get close to the halfway point), so we decided I would rest that night and make the trip the next day instead. However, we weren’t anticipating an emergency trip to the doctor that day instead of a grocery run. After coming home with the unbearable task of sharing this devastating reality with our kids to try to help them begin the process of their own grief for their baby sister, I was mentally spent and almost frozen in how to return to normal life activities. The next day, I tried to sit and just make a simple meal plan and grocery list, and my mind my went completely blank. We survived on takeout those first few days until a precious coworker and friend set up a meal train for our family. Now, I know I have so many people who I could ask in a heartbeat in a situation like this if they would be willing to cook a meal for us, but I felt so guilty asking anyone to take on that burden when they have their own families to feed in the midst of very busy schedules. Having someone just set this up for us, and then seeing loved ones eagerly sign up night after night to make meals or provide resources for us to be able to easily feed our family each day has been an incredible act of kindness and outpouring of love for our family. Even as simple as dropping off disposable plates and utensils so we don’t have to worry about cleaning up after a meal—I had no idea the burden this would lift from me during this time. I cannot even begin to express how much it has meant to me to have the ability to feed my family well through all of this, and just to not have this one, extra thing to think about and plan for right now. I will never, ever forget this tremendous act of kindness and love. All that being said, never underestimate how simply dropping off a box of Kleenex and a package of cookies, or if you have the time to make a home cooked meal, or the resources to send money for doordash—how all of these things can provide a tangible experience of God’s care and provision to someone who is hurting and struggling.

2. Another way we have experienced God’s kindness is from friends who have literally shown up on my doorstep and scooped up my kids to take them to classes, rehearsals, or offer rides home, and even having them join their family on fun outings. I’m emotionally and physically unable to do these things with my kids right now. (This may sound extreme, but I was literally waiting for my body to suddenly go into labor that had a high risk of me also hemorrhaging  before making it to the hospital. I was in physical pain from cramping and trying to fight off infection, and now experiencing the physical and emotional pain of recovering from surgery. My body and mind just haven’t been capable of a lot of things we normally do, so having people step in and step up has again been such a beautiful expression of God’s love and kindness through His people. My little ones may not be able to fully express to you right now how important this is for them, but I promise you this momma sees it, and I know they’ll look back on it one day with a true appreciation. I also see you being gracious with my older kids who haven’t figured out a way to properly articulate how they’re feeling, and you’ve offered them love and patience when maybe they seem to ignore your condolences. I see how it touches them even though they may not express it well. You are being salt and light to them, and it has been a blessing to my hurting heart and provided for a need I don’t really have the guts to always ask for—when you’re dealing with a heavy burden, the last thing you want to do is place even the smallest burden on someone else. 

3. I’ve also experienced God’s tangible love through precious coworker friends eagerly and willingly taking over my responsibilities at work so I can have the time I need to recover. They all have plenty on their plates, too, and it has been so selfless of them to allow me the time my body and spirit need. As I awoke from surgery today, one of the first things out of my mouth (I was highly “under the influence” and only know this because my husband shared it with me) to my husband was, “get me my binder—I need to finish recording parts for rehearsal and work on my lesson plans.” My husband quickly reminded me that all I needed to do in that moment was rest and remember that all of that was already well taken care of. When you’re grieving, your mind often freezes (as I’ve explained previously) but at some points it will awaken in a very frantic way. For me, this is out of guilt of placing a burden on someone else. I felt the need to get back to work as quickly as possible. But in reality, my body and my mind need time to recover, and my husband reminded me that I have MANY people who are happy to give me that time. (If you are up for a laugh, feel feee to ask my hubby all of the off the wall things that came to out of mouth while waking up from anesthesia and a cocktail of nausea medications.)

4. Yet another tangible way people have shown me God’s love is through literal tangible things I can look at to add beauty to a time filled with ashes. I have been surprised with flowers delivered to my door and handmade gifts with very special meanings that I can look at and find comfort in as I remember my baby girl. These items truly have lifted my spirits because it’s just not the gift that is meaningful— it’s also the time and thought the person placed into it desiring to let me know they see my pain. At the hospital, the chaplain came to see us and pray with us, and with him he brought some information for dealing with grief as a mother, a father, and even for our parents. He also included a sweet teddy bear. My precious Evangeline fell in love with this “baby Sparrow” bear. After being told her baby sister’s body was still in my belly, but her heart had stopped beating so her soul was now in heaven, she has struggled fighting off tears (she’s very adamant she doesn’t want to cry) but she has very much been impacted by this loss. Each day since, she has come up to my belly to hug and kiss the baby. It’s something she looked forward to daily in my pregnancy, so I think it was very hard for her to let go of the way she had tangibly been showing love to a baby sister she so desperately wanted to be the “best big sister” to.

The night before the surgery, I had to make sure she understood that after that day, the baby’s body would no longer be in my belly. Without saying a word, she went up to my belly and gave her sister one last kiss and hug. So today, when I came home with something tangible representing her baby sister, I truly think it meant the world to her. We currently have “Barrow” (as in sparrow’s bear) sitting on a cabinet, and she will randomly go pick it up and give it a quick hug before returning it to its current place. I never would have thought that could help her in her own grieving process, so I’m so thankful for whoever had the idea to gift grieving families with something like this. All that being said, both people we know well and people we have never met have used their resources, talents, and insight to show us comfort and love in a very real way. 

5. Perhaps one of the simplest, yet often hardest, of ways you can show God’s tangible love to someone walking through loss is through a simple text message, voicemail, card in the mail, or quick in person hug if you run into them. I know it can feel awkward to reach out when there are no perfect words to be said, but your time and effort to offer compassion is a refreshment to a weary heart. Honestly, for me, having the answers for how to walk through this grief isn’t what I need—I just need to know you’re willing to walk through it with me. Believe me, I know it can be awkward to reach out when there seem to be no words. I have found myself in this place before and chose not to speak out of fear of saying the “wrong” thing. But, just knowing that you’re willing to walk beside me and sit in the ashes with me is an incredible gift to a grieving soul. A text as simple as, “I heard this sermon or song today and it ministered to me and brought you to my mind. If you’re feeling up to listening, I pray it comforts you in some way.” Or, “I have no words for what you’re experiencing, but I want you to know I’m here for you and I love you. How can I pray for you specifically today?” Or maybe some of you are able to share from personal experience and then extend the offer of a compassionate ear. Our lives are each unique and we can’t ever truly understand exactly what someone is going through, but there is SUCH comfort in sharing your willingness to walk alongside someone in their personal grief and loss. Thank you for braving that awkwardness and just letting me know you love me, again and again. Your messages bring such comfort to me even if I’m not able to respond right away. (Many of these messages have shown up right in the midst of an emotional breakdown, after a difficult phone call from my surgeon, or just in a moment when I’m feeling very lonely. Many times when I find the tears flowing, I will go back and read over these messages or listen to the songs you have shared because they help point me back to the Lord as I’m grieving. Never underestimate the power of telling someone you love them and care for them. In doing so, you are helping a hurting heart see Jesus more clearly in the midst of a very confusing time. 

6. Please don’t take this next one the wrong way—what I’m not suggesting here is that you need to send someone money when they’re experiencing loss like this, but I can’t fail to mention how God has shown us His provision during this difficult time. God has given us people who have helped offset a very unexpected financial burden. The truth is that losing a baby at this stage often costs much more than actually getting to deliver your baby at full term and bringing them home. We didn’t know how we would cover the first bill that came in just TWO days before it had to be paid, but God has been providing for that need, and it’s been a humbling reminder that God ALWAYS provides for our needs. It shouldn’t ever take me by surprise, but I’m ever blown away at His timing and provision through His people.

I could go on and on about how so many of you, both near and far, have ministered to our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls as we walk this difficult road. The body of Christ is truly so beautiful, and we all have the ability to play different parts in it. Every single act of kindness you have shown has meant more than I’ll ever be able to adequately express. You truly have shown so very many tangible acts of God’s incredible character—His presence, faithfulness, love, mercy, faithfulness, goodness, etc. etc. etc.! I hope I haven’t overlooked thanking any of you personally, but if I have, know it’s not at all intentionally; I’m just not thinking clearly these days. Please know your selfless acts of God’s love mean the world to me right now and are helping hold us up during all of this. 

Losers...

I’m not really sure why I never published this blog. This was written shortly after our first miscarriage j  April of last year. I’m going to post it now as these thoughts were certainly apart of that story, and I want to keep that story intact.

I was reflecting on some things lately regarding our miscarriage. Who am I kidding--it's a main topic of conversation for me right now. In doing so, the words, "when we lost our baby..." had come out of my mouth, and as soon as they did, they left a really bad taste.

"Lost our baby..."

When I found out we were expecting "Baby Kiki," I was immediately kind of freaked out, but that didn't last for too long because I got SO excited! My momma mind was already thinking of the sweet days ahead of getting to rock and feed our precious little one, getting to see my children interact with their baby sibling, imagining what he or she would look like and what their personality would be like, wondering what Sunday mornings would look like with getting everyone ready for church, pondering what the next school year would feel like with so many different things going on for each of my babies. I wouldn't say I had specific plans, but I certainly had specific dreams of what life might entail. And within a moment, that was crushed. So, yes, I suppose I do feel a bit lost as a Momma, trying to redirect the course of our family, yet feeling like something is missing that I can't do anything about. And when you say, "I lost my baby," there is so much condemnation that statement can bring about. It's like saying this came about because of something I did or didn't do. It feels like it's my fault. My job as a mother is to protect my baby, but I lost them instead. These are all thoughts that can swarm around in the forefront of my mind if I choose to entertain them. 

Instead, I just have to keep going back to the Sovereignty of my God. He gave us 3 months to love this baby and to look to Him through that process. And He's now given us the opportunity to trust in His perfect plan even when it makes zero sense to our family. Just like our baby is very much not lost, our pain is also not lost on Him. So I choose to praise the only One Who is able to make beauty from these ashes, and even if I don't get to see that beauty this side of Heaven, I will still choose to trust in Him for the simple fact that He IS worthy, and it depends nothing upon my response to Who He is.

So, in these times of feeling very lost, I'm trusting that I am overwhelmingly found in my Saviour's grasp. He hasn't bene caught off guard, and He isn't frantic trying to figure out what's next. He's in control, and I am not.