Losers...

I’m not really sure why I never published this blog. This was written shortly after our first miscarriage j  April of last year. I’m going to post it now as these thoughts were certainly apart of that story, and I want to keep that story intact.

I was reflecting on some things lately regarding our miscarriage. Who am I kidding--it's a main topic of conversation for me right now. In doing so, the words, "when we lost our baby..." had come out of my mouth, and as soon as they did, they left a really bad taste.

"Lost our baby..."

When I found out we were expecting "Baby Kiki," I was immediately kind of freaked out, but that didn't last for too long because I got SO excited! My momma mind was already thinking of the sweet days ahead of getting to rock and feed our precious little one, getting to see my children interact with their baby sibling, imagining what he or she would look like and what their personality would be like, wondering what Sunday mornings would look like with getting everyone ready for church, pondering what the next school year would feel like with so many different things going on for each of my babies. I wouldn't say I had specific plans, but I certainly had specific dreams of what life might entail. And within a moment, that was crushed. So, yes, I suppose I do feel a bit lost as a Momma, trying to redirect the course of our family, yet feeling like something is missing that I can't do anything about. And when you say, "I lost my baby," there is so much condemnation that statement can bring about. It's like saying this came about because of something I did or didn't do. It feels like it's my fault. My job as a mother is to protect my baby, but I lost them instead. These are all thoughts that can swarm around in the forefront of my mind if I choose to entertain them. 

Instead, I just have to keep going back to the Sovereignty of my God. He gave us 3 months to love this baby and to look to Him through that process. And He's now given us the opportunity to trust in His perfect plan even when it makes zero sense to our family. Just like our baby is very much not lost, our pain is also not lost on Him. So I choose to praise the only One Who is able to make beauty from these ashes, and even if I don't get to see that beauty this side of Heaven, I will still choose to trust in Him for the simple fact that He IS worthy, and it depends nothing upon my response to Who He is.

So, in these times of feeling very lost, I'm trusting that I am overwhelmingly found in my Saviour's grasp. He hasn't bene caught off guard, and He isn't frantic trying to figure out what's next. He's in control, and I am not.