God’s Promises…

 

There’s something special and almost magical about spotting a rainbow. The vibrant colors reflected in the sky are truly a beautiful sight to see, and from a spiritual standpoint it’s a significant reminder of the promises of God. God used the rainbow to specifically promise that He would never flood the entire earth again. As believers, this beautiful symbol can also remind us of each of His promises upon our lives.

When I was a teenager, there was a popular CCM artist who had a very heavy classically trained pianist background. I spent hours a day in my teenage and early adult years training as a classical pianist, so I really resonated with his music. At that time, the local Christian radio station would frequently play his song “Rainbows in the Night.” Listening to it today, many would find it sounds pretty dated as styles have changed quite a bit since then, but I still love the gorgeous classical solo moments and the deep meaning to the lyrics: 

[Verse 1]

Deep within this darkened heart of mine

The Word of God still shines with hope

Deep within this frightened life I live

A voice so soft and still grows

And when the sun is hidden

And the shadows cloud my starless skies

Amazingly, I turn and see a light

[Chorus]

God's promises are rainbows in the night

Shining hope inside when shadows cloud my eyes

His promises are rainbows in the night

Guiding through the darkest times

God's promises are rainbows in the night

You may be aware that a baby born after a miscarriage is often referred to as a “rainbow baby.” This is because rainbows symbolize beauty after a dark time just like the birth of a baby brings joy after such a tragic loss. Our pregnancy in 2022 was something we’d never planned on, but when we miscarried, our family was suddenly missing someone. We prayed and asked God what He would birth from that feeling, so when we became pregnant again this year, we were cautiously ecstatic. Conversations soon became centered around “When the baby comes…” as we prepared for this precious one’s arrival.

I struggled every day with fear of losing this baby, too, but I knew I had to choose to trust. (I think we often shame ourselves when we struggle with fear, but it’s not the actual fear that is the problem. Rather, it’s what we choose to DO with that fear. For me, this meant I had to make a constant choice to look to the Lord, and isn’t that where we ultimately want to be?) As I daily chose to surrender my fears and trust the Lord, a frequent prayer was that God would prepare my heart to grieve or rejoice for whatever HIS plan was for this baby. In the end, this meant that the Lord was preparing my heart to grieve another loss, as Sparrow was not meant to be our rainbow baby. 

Before my surgery, a sweet friend brought a meal over to our house along with the most precious gift—glasswork art of a rainbow. She told me that as she made it, she prayed for our family. It’s hanging in the window by where I have my quiet time, and I love how the sun shines so brightly into it at certain points of the day, reflecting such rich, vivid colors. 

As I reflect on losing Sparrow, I will be totally honest with where I’m at in this process of my grief which is I just do not understand how this could be God’s plan for us. Why even allow us to get pregnant again if He was going to take this baby from us? I’m thankful God allows me to come to Him with these questions. Rather than blame Him or become bitter, though, I so desire to surrender the hurt and confusion and just let Him wash over me with His comfort and love and grace. I’m reminded I can question God while still ultimately choosing to trust Him.

I have come to terms with realizing I may never understand why this played out the way that it has, but I do know that the Enemy would love nothing more in this situation than for me to allow my limited understanding of God’s plan to cause me to question my ability to trust in Him. Anger, bitterness, and confusion won’t bring my baby girl back, but surrender to the Lord will bring me comfort as I struggle through my hurt, grief, and loss. It’s in the darkest of night when we get the blessing of experiencing a peace and comfort that only our Heavenly Father can give. I can understand joy better when I have experienced sorrow. I grieve deeply because I loved deeply, and I can recognize beauty more fully when I know what it feels like to sit among ashes. No one wants to experience pain, but we get the opportunity of experiencing comfort on a deeper level when we have endured great hurt and loss. 

As we drove home from the hospital on Friday after my surgery, it started to rain. Just one exit from our home, my husband said, “Paula-Beth, look! Look at the sky!” As I looked up, I saw a full rainbow painted across the sky. My husband and I both began to cry. It was as if the Lord was saying, “I see you, and I see your pain. You are not forgotten. Don’t forget the promises I have for your life.” 

I know we are being held by the Ultimate Comforter as we wade through this season of intense grief. I know His promises are just as true today as they were two weeks ago when my baby was still alive. Again and again I will choose to trust. This is a dark time in our lives, but we know He has overcome the darkness, and in His kindness He continues to send us messages that point to His light piercing through these dark moments. His Word is True, and He is ever faithful and good, friends. As I wrote these words the other day as the rain fell against my window, this was my prayer: "I’m going to cling to Your Truth, Your faithfulness, and Your goodness with all I have today as I hear the storms raging outside on this rainy fall day, and as the storms of my life rage up within me. Yes God, you are still good, even in this."