Sorrowful, yet Joyful...

The littles after one of GP and AB's performances

It's been a minute since I sat down and really blogged out my thoughts and feelings as of late. Part of that is because it's been very busy, and with that busy-ness I've felt a need to try to be in the moment as much as possible. 

Evangeline as "Sally" in her CARS
class Showcase Performance

(Showcase performances for the classes I teach and that the kids take, rehearsals, tech week, performances, etc.) For the past week, that meant stopping the tears when they would start and pushing down the heavy and hard feelings as they arose because I just didn't have the mental energy to deal with them. I've cried so many tears that my face often feels raw as if it's been scratched. But with everything going on in my "back to normal" life, I'm currently in the process of finding a way to balance out being "in the moment" while still making moments to deal with the grief. I can't say that I'm doing it well, but I feel like committing to the process of trying to do it well is something. 

Me directing at showcase performance

Let me just take a moment to say that this whole "going back to normal life" feels almost like a Twilight Zone episode to me in many ways. Life feels anything but normal to me now. What I had envisioned this fall to be like has now taken a very different turn, and while the world continues on as if nothing has changed, I find myself trying to figure out where I fit since so much has changed for me. 

Lucy (right) in my advanced vocal class

Someone made the comment to me recently, "Well, it looks like you're doing pretty well..." The truth? I’m learning how to function again in the world while now having to make a separate space for my grieving heart. I’m trying to figure out how to be present and share in the joys going on around me while having to make time to collapse and recover from holding back the tears. I’m attempting to focus on the joys before me while figuring out when I can find time to bandage the sorrow that still exists. When you continue to live life in a world that your baby no longer is a part of, you find yourself exhausted. You celebrate the highs, but the reality of the lows is not lost. This is some of what that's looked like for me the past few weeks...

My precious middles just closed out a two weekend, 9 performance run of Junie B Jones the Musical Jr. It was truly SUCH an adorable show, and the artistic team, cast, and crew did an incredible job of bringing the heartwarming story to life on the stage. 

Gabriel had been in shows before we moved here, but it was his stage debut with CYT, and he played the role of Jose. He has such a beautiful voice, and it was so fun to see him and hear him. Annie had swore to me up and down for several years that she was "never" going to be on stage, but after enjoying her time on stage this summer through CCT, she decided the stage wasn't so bad after all, so Junie B. was her CYT stage debut as well. She got to announce the show each night to the audience, and it was so amazing to see her come alive on stage. She was confident, articulate, and a joy to watch.

Busy weekend of rehearsals and 
performances

If you're a parent, you've probably experienced this before like me: when you see your child doing something they love, it can bring tears to your eyes and make your heart just well up with so many emotions. I absolutely loved every moment of seeing Gabriel and Annie on stage the past two weekends! On opening weekend, I went from rehearsal with Lucy (which is truly such a blessing to get to do what I love and have my daughter there with me doing what she loves, too) to performances for Gabriel and Annie, and it was an entire weekend surrounded with my family and also so much support from friends. My heart was so full at all of the love and support from our CYT family. But I would find that while I did mostly okay around everyone, I would come home and literally just crash--physically and emotionally. It's hard to explain it, but it's basically just the feeling of being with those who you love and who love you back, and the joy of seeing your kids thrive, and the knowledge that God has truly given you so many amazing blessings in life mixed with the fact that my Sparrow will never get to experience any of that with us. I'm learning to embrace both the joys and the sorrows that coexist right now. I'm not sure I'm always doing it well, but as I stated earlier, I'm committed to the process, and I think that's a step in the right direction... 

Another peek into what that's looked like lately has been in deep cleaning and organizing. After an entire summer of being so sick from pregnancy-nausea coupled with a CRAZY schedule of activities, work, and church, my house was in desperate need of some extra attention. My closet needed cleaning out, and the little girls' room was beyond overdue from some attention. I think I'd been avoiding tackling it all for several reasons. One, it just felt overwhelming. But, two, it reminded me that it was in that shape because I'd been so sick, and I now had "nothing" to show for it. In reality, that's not entirely true, but that's how I felt. In fact, it made me mad. While cleaning out my closet, I came across the bike helmet I got for my birthday, just ten days before finding out I was pregnant. I had never used it since long distance cycling wasn't a good idea while pregnant, and the fact that I could use it now made me angry. I allowed myself to express that feeling, but I chose not to stay in it. I ended up taking my road bike out for a 20 mile ride, followed by another 12 a few days afterward. I had to stop a few times to wipe away some ugly tears, but it felt god to do something productive, just like it felt really good to make such great process in my closet and the little girls' room.

While out on my ride, the song , "Keep Me in the Moment" by Jeremy Camp came on my Pandora station. It was while I was riding in a part of the neighborhood I rode in after I lost Baby Kiki. It was crazy to see the different between now and then--when I first started riding there last year, they had just begun building the houses, but now, most of the neighborhood is finished. So much has changed, not just in the neighborhood but in my own life. I repeated the words as a prayer, "Lord, keep me in the moment because I don't want to miss what you have for me." I was reminded to find joy in whatever my present circumstance may be. Yes, I was super sick with both Baby Kiki and Sparrow, but I was so grateful that I got to be pregnant with them, and while I will never stop grieving the fact that I never will get to hold those sweet baby girls in my arms, I also see what God has filled my arms with instead. It doesn't replace them, but it reminds me that He has a plan and a purpose for everything He allows in our lives. I won't always understand His ways, but I can always TRUST His ways. Just as this neighborhood has grown and changed in the last few years, I see how God is growing and changing me, and if I refuse to keep pressing forward, I'll miss out on what He's doing, and I don't want to miss what He desires to teach me and do through my life. 

One of my devotions this week focused on 2 Corinthians 6:10: ..."Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing..."

Grieving as one with hope means finding that balance of being sorrowful yet joyful. And yes, there is SO so much in my life to be joyful about. I see the Lord’s hand on my life in so many ways—through the joys AND the sorrows. I’m reminded that I can have joy in the midst of my sorrow because I have hope in the One who has defeated death. But while I wait to see His glory fully revealed, there will be tears. And so I find Christ sitting with me in the dust, but I also find Him when I stand in the sun. His presence is there in both places, and if Christ can be present with me in both joy and sorrow then how is it wrong to grapple with both emotions? Whether this life sends me to my knees in defeat or pushes me to the heights in joy, Christ is still with me. I think, as Christians, we have been deceived in thinking that to have joy in Christ, we have to push through and be tough and not sit too long in our grief. It’s not the truth though, friend. My faith in God isn’t weak because I cry because it’s in those tears that I find Him in a new and fresh way when I allow Him to sit with me in the ashes. So yes, we make time to smile and enjoy life and rejoice in the good, but we also ALLOW grief to have its time and place. Whether in joy or sorrow, we can find our Father.

So that's basically where I'm at in these "Twilight Zone" type of days--finding the balance of sorrow and joy and recognizing how my Heavenly Daddy can be found in both. I'm so thankful He's so patient with us and that He never tires of listening to our hurt--His mercies truly are new every single day.