Your Grief is Valuable...

I meant to get this posted last week, but here it is late instead;-)

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Mom & me Black Friday shopping in 2005

I’m not sure about you, but I love a good deal. In fact, my family has participated in Black Friday shopping for almost 30 years! We love spending the day on Thanksgiving eating, visiting, and then scouring the ads planning our shopping day! It may seem silly to most, and in recent years, you can no longer view actual paper ads. In fact, this year they didn't even have their usual early morning doorbusters.  But the love of the hunt has always been fun for us (which is probably the only kind of hunting I enjoy, now that I think of it... lol) All of that being said, I love a great deal! And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s good to want to manage your resources well, but I think, in today’s society, we can often extend that way of living into other areas of our lives. I was reading in a devotional the other day, and it said the following in regards to experiencing Christ’s power: 

“The reason so many people fail to experience this divine principle is that they expect to receive it all without a struggle. When conflict comes and battle rages on, they become discouraged and surrender. God has nothing worth having that is easily gained, for there are no cheap goods in the heavenly market…” (L.B. Cowman)

When I got pregnant with Sparrow, there was a thought of, “Surely God wouldn’t allow me to get pregnant again only to end in another loss.” And I’ve questioned Him on this many times since losing our baby. “WHY, God? Why would you allow me to get pregnant only to take our baby away?” It’s in these moments I’ve had an opportunity to understand His ways are so much higher than mine. I don’t get a free pass out of potential trials just because I’ve endured one before. I have to realize the value of the trial and that God is capable of bringing good from any situation. The purpose is to bring Him glory no.matter.what. I don’t get to just put the situation back on a shelf when I don’t like the cost of it. Instead, I have the opportunity to take hold of it and carry it on with His help. Philippians 4:11 says, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” 

Lucy's first Black Friday, 2007

Dealing with Sparrow’s loss isn’t the only thing our family has had to endure during this season. We’ve experienced the loss of our former church, and with that has brought us many challenges. But rather than become angry at what man has done, I have the opportunity to look at what God is doing.

I’ve had many moments recently of anxiety. Being someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety on and off throughout my adult life, panic attacks are not a stranger to me: the feelings of your chest tightening up and the area around you closing in followed by difficulty breathing and a racing heart…it is a moment of desperately needing to escape while feeling completely trapped. 

You never really know what is going to trigger one of these episodes. For me, recently, it was a simple trip to Walmart and the car wash. Now, many would say that my faith must be weak because I have panic attacks. Many might also say my faith is weak because I’m still dealing with deep grief over losing my baby. It’s the mentality of, “If you don’t like the price, put it back on the shelf and be on your way.” We think it makes us stronger when we don’t need to take moments to cry on the closet floor. We think our faith is stronger because we just keep smiling and pushing through every situation we encounter. But doesn’t Paul tells us that it’s in our weakness that we are made strong? You see, it’s not the act of anxiety or depression that is the issue—it’s our response to it. And, that response doesn’t have to be one of putting on your “big girl pants” and covering your wounds with a “God is sovereign” bandaid. We can still believe in the sovereignty of God when we cry and feel like we can barely catch our breath. Here is what that looks like for me lately… 

Black Friday 2023

Maybe I see a pregnancy announcement on Facebook and my heart sinks as I remember losing my Sparrow. I’m not upset that someone else has the joy of being pregnant—I’m just reminded of my loss and how much I miss our baby. But there are three directions these feelings can send me: 

1. The easiest one to go to is that my heart sinks and I begin to think of everything that is going wrong in my life. I cry and become angry or hopeless or maybe even a mix of the two. I allow my grief to take my eyes away from Jesus. 

2. Another option is I stuff the tears down inside and just say, “If I believe God is sovereign, then I need to move on.” But then I’m not dealing with those emotions, and, trust me, those emotions will find their way out somewhere else, and I promise it’s never a pretty exit! (I’ve not only personally experienced my own pain pushing through, but I’ve been the recipient of seeing someone else’s come out. If you don’t allow yourself to feel the hurt now, you are likely going to end up allowing it to cause hurt to someone else later…) 

3. But there’s also a third option. This one isn’t a quick option. It’s a process, and a process takes more time: I allow the tears to come and fall. I allow myself to express my sadness and even my anger or hopeless feelings. BUT, then I lift my eyes up. I tell God, “This hurt is so great. I don’t understand why this happened, but I know You have a plan. Please help me to trust it. Please help me look to You in these hard moments and trust what YOU have in store for me. Thank You for what You’re doing in others’ lives and the joy that they’re getting to experience right now, and please help me to know You still have a plan for me, too…” You see, my grief can actually be an opportunity to draw closer to Jesus when I recognize He’s sitting with me in the ashes, holding me, and collecting every tear that falls. I invite Him in to these moments of sadness and panic. I may not immediately rise up from it all, but if I can’t, I am still sitting in it in His presence. We can be victorious both when we allow Christ to lift us up from the ashes as well as when we allow Him to hold us and calm us through the storm. Wherever we can find Jesus is exactly where He wants us to be, and sometimes that is going to be in moments of the world closing in on you. We aren’t defeated when we fall, because we are being covered by the Almighty arms of our Saviour. 

I had this exact shirt back in the day;-)

I want to encourage you, friends: don’t let your grief send you into a hopeless state, but also don’t put your grief on the shelf and keep plugging along. God wants to show Himself to you through your blurred vision caused by the ugly tears. He’s allowing you to see life through a different lens. (Remember those Mossimo shirts back in the 90’s?) If we never sit in our grief, we never get to experience the compassion of a loving Father who wants to dress our wounds. He doesn’t just wipe away our tears—He COLLECTS them. And why? So that He can later pour them out over us in refreshment. See where you can find Him today, and make the choice to soak up His presence wherever that may be. It’s worth it, friend, because your grief actually has great value in the Kingdom of God!