Wednesday, June 12, 2013

My daughter=my heart...

I would be the first to tell you that I'm pretty sensitive and emotional...except you'd probably beat me to it because I couldn't get it out before the tears start flowing.  A lot of people make this out to be a bad thing, but even "Jesus wept," and I think He gave us the gift of emotions. That being said, I exercise those emotions, and things effect me deeply. So throughout my 29+1 years of life (yup, we're still going with that!) I have shed many a tear from sad to mad to glad to everything else inbetween them all! But even through all of the tears I have cried, I don't think I have ever hurt as deeply as my heart has ached for my children.

It's an interesting thing when you become a mother...your heart somehow opens up this entirely new area that's been reserved specifically for your children (maybe that's why your heart aches so much when you want to have a child and cannot-because that area of your heart feels trapped.) and it's unlike any other part of your heart, because it's connected to those you hold most dear.  When your kids hurt, you hurt, too, and tonight I found myself hurting for my precious daughter.  As the tears stung my cheeks and the lump grew larger and heavier in my throat, I tried to figure out why the emotions were so deep...and then I realized it's because I wasn't just hurting for myself, but I was hurting for my daughter, and that part of my heart reserved specifically for her felt like it was shattering and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

Some of you may be thinking, ok, she's FIVE! What can seriously be so bad to a 5 year old?! Well, that's just LITTLE girl is about to undergo some seriously BIG transitions, and that's hard enough for me at my age, so I can only imagine how she's able to process it all...

Two weeks ago, we announced to her that we are moving.  She seemed mostly excited when we first told her, and she went about her day normally from there...until about two hours later when she started processing things.  Little did I know you could hear a 5 year old processing something, but I did--as I was in the other room and I started to hear a little girl WAILING in the living room.  I think for a second, her Daddy said, "Ok, that's it.  We're not moving."  But we know when God calls you to go, it's always best for everyone if you follow.  So, he explained to her with love and care how it's okay to be sad and to cry, and he let his little girl pour out all of her big emotions.  (Seriously, he's SUCH a good Daddy!)  So what was it that caused Lucy to be so upset?

She didn't want to leave her friends...

My heart immediately hurt for her that day two weeks ago, but my heart ached for her even more this evening when I found out one of her best friends is going on vacation all next week, so it's unlikely she's going to have much time with her at all before our move other than to say goodbye.  Even as I type those words, tears are falling from my face as I think of how much she is going to miss those she loves so much.  (I know she's only 5, but she is my little social butterfly, and her friends are very important to her.)

California girls-friends for over 20 years!
I remember another little girl very well who had that very same emotion.  She was a few years older than my Lucy, but every bit as sentimental and loyal.  She cried for HOURS throughout the long car ride to her new home.

She was me.

And as I thought of my Lucy-bug dealing with the sadness of moving away from her friends, I was instantly brought back to that moment almost 20 years ago when my dear friends stayed with me at my house until the movers finished loading the van, and my next door neighbor went running after my car as it drove away from the street we had shared for four years.  I never thought a move could be so emotionally devastating as that one...until that place reserved in my heart just for my Lucy began to break for her as she dealt with the first move she remembers. As my heart poured out in sobs for my Lucy, I immediately thought of my own mother and what she must have felt as she listened to me cry over missing my dear friends.  I remember her telling me growing up, "When you hurt, I hurt," but I think that this was the first time in my life that I really understood the depth of that statement.

I don't want to make this move out to be a bad thing--we truly are SO excited for what the Lord has in store!  But I would be lying if I said that it is without any sadness or difficulty.  This is the only home my son has ever known and the only home my daughter remembers, and we have LOVED being a part of this church body.  We move with sadness for the friends and the ministry that we have loved so much, but with excitement for the relationships that will continue, new friendships that will come, and the new ministry God is going to bring forth both here and there.

I share all of these things with you to ask for your prayers.  Please join me in asking the Lord that I will be able to handle all of the upcoming changes well so that my children can transition more easily, too.  Pray for them to be able to transition easily and smoothly.  Pray for us to draw closer to the Father as a result of all of this.  And pray that my daughter will feel secure, not just from her momma that loves her oh so very much, but ultimately from her Heavenly Father!

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