Yes to the Yes’s and to the No’s…

 I remember Mother’s Day of 2007. We had just found out we were expecting Lucy, and we were beyond excited. We went out to eat after church and ran into the surgeon who had done dh’s surgery on New Year’s Eve and just a week later broke the news that DH had cancer. I remember the dr being hesitantly happy for us since it was very early on in my pregnancy. We pretty much shouted our pregnancy out to the world, though. We had prayed so long for a baby, and we were so thankful that God answered “yes” to that request. 

That summer, my daddy passed away. We found out during rehearsal at church early on a Sunday morning. It was the most intense grief I had ever felt before, and I had so many questions for the Lord. I didn’t know if my Daddy knew Jesus or not. I had prayed for him daily for so long, and I had conversations with him about the Lord, but I never saw the change in him that I prayed for. I’ll never forget my home church pastor talking to me the days leading up to his funeral. “Paula-Beth, God has heard your prayers all this time. He said yes to you when your husband was diagnosed with cancer and you asked for him to be okay, and you praised Him for that. He said yes to you when you prayed and asked Him for a child, and you praised Him for His answer. But this time, God said no. Will you still praise Him even when His answer isn’t what you want it to be?” His words have stuck with me through every joy and every trial I have faced since then. 

This past year has been full of a lot of life changes. God has said yes so many times to us. We have been called to an amazing church where we’ve made sweet friendships and we get to serve together. I am beyond thankful for the group of ladies I work with at Mother’s Day Out and the precious children I get to love on. Our kids are thriving in school and in life in general. Our two oldest have surrendered their hearts to Jesus. We love our neighborhood and have an incredible home…I could go on and on. But the Lord has also said no to us. In the past year, we’ve lost my grandmother, my brother, and our baby. I have again pounded my fists into the floor and cried out to my Jesus asking why, and begging Him for a different answer. But in those moments, I’ve been reminded of dear Pastor John’s words: I praised Him for the yes’s, but will I still praise Him for the no’s?

My God is so good. He’s so good that His goodness doesn’t depend on a single one of my circumstances. And He’s so good that He can even accept my broken and grief-stricken praise. I can’t understand His ways—they are so much higher than my own. But I can trust Him. 

Mothers Day 2022 looks a lot different than it did 15 years ago. I have so many reasons to celebrate, but I also have reasons to grieve. And in the midst of all of the sweet snuggles and the deep grief there is the steadiness of my Heavenly Father. His goodness is constant, His mercy is ever new, and His ways are PERFECT. I can’t understand them, but I can still praise Him. 

So today I celebrate that the Lord has given and that He has taken away. My flesh fights the why’s and the what if’s, but my heart holds fast to Him. 

Baby KiKi...

You were a bit of a mic drop moment for us;-) I carried you for 12 weeks and 2 days, and it was one of the best surprises of my life.

When I found out about you, I finally understood the story in the Bible where Sarah laughs at God saying He’s going to give her and Abraham a child in their old age. I'm not quite as old as Sarah was, mind you, but by the time you've hit your SEVERALth 29'th birthday, you're considered of "advanced maternal age," and on Thursday, February 24th, I found out that I was going to be referred to as a "geriatric pregnant patient." We were PREGNANT! I think the color drained from DH's face when I first told him. We couldn't believe that all of those years of joking that our first and last child would be 14-15 years a part would come to fruition. (It's a common occurrence amongst several members on my husband's side.) It took the shock a few days to wear off, but then I became extremely excited. We would get to have another baby!  And our kids, holy cow were they over the moon with love and anticipation for meeting their new baby brother or sister. Lucy cried happy tears, Gabriel ran around the room shouting out different sayings and questions in a total happy tizzy, Annie claimed she would not be changing any diapers ;-), and Evangeline wasn't quite sure what it all meant. It didn't take too long for them to all get aboard the Baby Express, though. They would often come up to me and lovingly pat or rub my tummy, giving kisses and talking to "Baby KiKi" which Evangeline had affectionally named her sibling. Every day, they would come up and ask me, "What size is the baby today??"

The extreme nausea started in at 6 weeks and never eased up. I took it as a good sign that baby was growing and developing as needed...and I also took a LOT of naps! Every appointment had gone great. At my first appointment, they did an ultrasound where we got to see and hear baby's heartbeat, flickering away. At my second appointment, we got to hear that joyous sound once again on a doppler. That was last Wednesday. I opted out of the traditional genetic testing (it seemed irresponsible to spend $400 on something that would only give me a list of statistics…now I wish I had done it so we could have known baby’s gender…) and decided to go with the nuchal translucency scan instead. I was excited to go for that scan on Monday and get to see how much baby had grown and watch them wiggle around. I was also a bit anxious as I knew the likelihood of them finding something wrong was much higher given my age. Regardless, we were all absolutely in love with this precious little one.

The scan was very awkward. The tech hardly spoke to us at all, asked if I'd had any bleeding during my pregnancy (I hadn't) and ended the ultrasound pretty abruptly after just about 5-10 minutes. (It's supposed to be a 30 minute to hour long scan.) She said she needed to talk to the radiologist to make sure she got the images she needed, and then she'd come back and do a transvaginal ultrasound. For this one, she didn't speak at all and had the screen turned away from me. I could see the worried look on DH's face as he tried to figure out what was on the screen. Once again, it was a very short scan, and she told me I could get dressed. In my heart, something didn't feel right. I was disappointed I didn't get to 'see" my baby, and I was worried that something was possibly wrong. I kept trying to reassure myself by knowing that I'd never done that type of scan, so it could be my confusion was from not being familiar with the procedure. 

She had us wait in a room where Michael and I stared worryingly at one another. He told me, "Paula-Beth, I don't think I saw the heartbeat, and I always can spot it on a sonogram. I don't think the baby was moving." When the tech came back for us, she just said we were free to go. I asked her where I needed to go for my bloodwork. She said I didn’t need to do it today and would hear back from my doctor about the results because they would be calling me "VERY soon." I could immediately feel a lump grow in my throat as I tried to choke back tears. "Something's wrong, isn't it? We can tell by your face that something is wrong..." DH said. She replied, "I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to say anything, but your doctor will be calling you VERY soon."

Michael had to push me past the reception desk because I was determined to get my bloodwork. When we left the office, the tears immediately began to flow. I felt like I couldn't breath, and right then, I knew in my heart that something was wrong with my baby and they weren't going to make it.

My doctor called within minutes and set up an appointment with me for that afternoon to discuss the "abnormal" results of the scan. I think I cried the whole time in the car, but in my head I kept repeating to myself, "God is sovereign. He's in control, and even if the worst happens, He is still good."

When we met with my doctor, he shared with us the news we feared. The baby's heart was no longer beating. I was 12 weeks 2 days, and that's what baby was measuring, so it literally had just happened. He was so compassionate and kind, spoke some important truths over us, and allowed us to mourn the news. He let me know they also found a subchorionic hematoma, and we already knew my thyroid had gone completely wacky, but he assured me he didn’t feel any of these were the cause of this loss. He then said he needed to shift his attention to my care and future reproductivity, and he explained the options I had for removing the pregnancy. Since the baby was completely formed at this point, delivering at home sounded extremely traumatic to me. I could not wrap my head around delivering my dead baby into my hands over a toilet. The doctor agreed that at this stage of pregnancy, a surgical D&C was my best option. They called the following morning (Tuesday) to let me know the surgery was scheduled for Wednesday morning. I would go in for pre-op the day before.

But before we could totally wrap our heads around the surgery, we had something else that had to be done: figuring out how to break the news to our children that we would not get to hold and love this baby and see them grow. This may have been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but God clearly gave me the words He wanted me to say to them. What was even harder about the situation was they knew I had gone for a sonogram, and they had so been hoping they'd be able to tell us the baby's gender. As we gathered them up together, they were all asking questions like, "Is it a boy or a girl? Did they find twins??" I choked back the tears and calmly told them no, we weren't having twins, and I didn't find out the gender." But as soon as everyone sat down and I began to speak, my voice started cracking and the tears began flowing hard.

"I want each of you to know how much Mommy and Daddy love you, and how thankful we are that we get to be your parents and watch you grow. I also want you to know that God is ALWAYS good. He is sovereign and He is in control. Even when bad things happen that we don't understand, we can trust in His goodness...today, at the sonogram, we found out that the baby's heart isn't beating anymore, so we aren't going to get to bring this baby home to us. But we have great hope in Jesus, because we know your brother or sister is with the Lord now, and one day, if we each have a relationship with Him, we will get to spend eternity with them praising and worshipping God."

Evangeline had so many questions as she tried to wrap her brain around what we were saying. "How can the baby be in heaven when it's still in your belly, Mommy?" I responded, "Well, when we get to heaven, we get a new body. The baby's soul is in heaven, but Mommy will have to have surgery to get the baby's body out of my belly so that I don't get sick. It's not safe to leave the body in there." Lucy then asked, "Why would God give us this baby that we were so excited about and then take it away?" At this point, all of our kids were wailing, and this went on for a VERY long time. We held each other and weeped with one another. And DH told Lucy as he reminded all of us of the story of Job who lost EVERYTHING, yet he was able to proclaim these words: "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. BLESSED be the name of the Lord!"

The past few days have been a struggle. Before the surgery, every time I dozed off I would wake up with the sudden realization that my baby was no longer growing inside of me, and yet I still felt every bit of exhaustion and nausea that I'd been having all along. My body still felt pregnant, my tummy was still hard, and my heart so badly wanted to still be pregnant. The day before the surgery was also Annie's birthday though, and while it wasn't the typical celebration we try to have, we were determined to make sure she felt special. She started the day off with her telling her Daddy, "You know, it IS my birthday, but I also feel kind of sad..." And she has continually told me, "Mommy, I hope we can have another baby...I really wanted to see the baby. Can you show it to me?" We ate lunch with her at school and brought donuts for her classmates. And some PRECIOUS friends came over to the house and decked it out with huge balloons, a delicious cake, and gifts. People stepped in so quickly and with a true desire to help us. It blessed my heart more than I can fully express. 

That was Tuesday, and then yesterday (Wednesday) was my surgery. It wasn't a super smooth day--they blew out my vein trying to get the IV in which took at least 5 tries. The 10-20 minute procedure I was supposed to have turned into at least an hour and half. Apparently, I lost about 650 ml of blood. Those numbers don't mean much to me, but I was told that's not desirable lol. Thankfully, I didn't end up needing a transfusion, but I'm a bit anemic now. Because I was in the OR for so long, they had to add another IV and intubate me.

Here's a little intermission with a funny story from my enroute to the OR--you never know what you're going to say when they pump you full of drugs at the hospital. As they wheeled me off in the opposite direction of my husband, apparently I yelled out, "EAT A CARROT!!" Dh said he cackled at that. (This is our family's special--and silly!--way we say "I love you" to one another.) I am sure the nurses thought I’d lost it. 

I woke up from surgery feeling an emptiness I haven't ever felt before. My baby was no longer inside of me. My stomach felt empty, and there is a hole in my heart unlike anything I can explain. No, I didn't get to know this baby--I didn't know if they were a boy or girl, what color hair they would have and whose features they would end up with. I never got to hear them cry or snuggle them up close to me and breathe in that magical baby smell at the crown of their head. But I got to carry them and love them for 12 weeks.

Physically, my pain isn't too bad right now. I'm hurting, and it's a weird physical pain, but its managable, and the bleeding hasn't been bad yet either. But, oh my heart. It aches in a way I know many of you know all too well. And yet, each time the tears begin to flow, the Lord whispers to me a Truth that covers me in a peace that only He can give: 

As I grieve over not holding my baby in my arms, I remember that my baby is with Jesus, and that I have the assurance that I will get to meet them one day in Heaven. Not only that, but as Daddy-God holds my baby, He is also holding me through this at the same time. 

As I find myself having to answer the tough questions from my children, I realize how much love my kids truly have for one another. They were SO excited for this baby and already loved them so very much. It's a blessing to get to experience that kind of love, and it gives us opportunities to have eternal conversations with our kids. 

As I question why God allowed this to happen, I realize I'm still thankful for it, despite the outcome not being what I wanted. I got to experience growing this precious life inside of me, and I experienced so many joys and hopes and so much love and excitement as a result. I wouldn't trade for those 12 weeks of getting to carry my baby.

And as our family continues to find our way through the valley, friends and family have swarmed in to lighten the load. The encouraging notes, the sweet gifts and meals, and most of all the PRAYERS...The family of God is such a precious and beautiful thing. God knows exactly what His children need, and He never fails to provide it for us.

I'm choosing to trust His perfect plan, and I'm choosing to stand on the Truth that He is ALWAYS good, and when I don't have the strength to stand anymore, I find myself surrounded by dear brothers and sisters who will hold me up. In Exodus 17, we read about how the Israelites were being attacked by the Amalekites. As long as Moses held his arms and staff up, they would succeed in the battle, but whenever he tired and put his hands down, they would fall behind. So they put a rock underneath him so he could sit, and Aaron and Hur held up his arms for him, and the Israelites were victorious. Isn't this a beautiful picture of what brothers and sisters in Christ do for each of us? Countless times this week, I've found a rock placed for me to sit on, and I've felt the power of friends lifting my weary heart back up. I will NOT let this experience defeat me or take away the joy I have in Christ. Rather, my desire is to allow it to mold me into who He has for me to be. I know I will always grieve over losing this baby, but I also know that I don't have to grieve as the world does. I have hope, and I'm choosing to stand firm on It.

19 years...

19 years ago seemed like a typical day to me at the time--go to class, practice, attend an event, study for a test with a friend, etc. It was a full day, but I had no idea that God had so much more in store for me than what I had written in my planner. ...But do we ever really? We see typical moments and don’t think much of them, or, on the flip side of that, we see devastating circumstances and can’t see past them. We too often forget that God is always at work. He’s working in the little moments and the big; in the joyful moments and the most heartbreaking ones. 19 years ago was just a normal day for me, but God was at work in a big way. There was a silly freshman girl who was about to meet a confident senior guy ;-) and both thought afterward that they'd never have another conversation with one other.  But God had different plans… 

This summer, our family took an incredible vacation to Colorado. Among the many things we saw were some gorgeous waterfalls. I was captivated by the power, beauty, and especially what I saw on the other side of the bridge at one of them—The water was so smooth and still before it hit the big fall. Then, it suddenly rushed from the top, hitting rocks from one side to another as it made a pathway down into a steady stream of water that was somewhere in between the calm and the chaos it had just come from. I just stared at the water for several minutes feeling like I was looking at this season of life DH and I have been traveling.

 It has felt like someone suddenly pushed us off an edge, threw us against the rocks and left us trying to find the path to take to get down.

But as I stepped back to look at the bigger picture, I saw beauty. There was beauty in the quiet and the stillness, there was beauty in the unexpected, turbulent twists and turns, and there was beauty in all of the in betweens. 

The Lord has been so kind to DH and me. We’ve been through a lot, we are going through a lot, and there is probably a lot more to come. This sin-filled world often pulls us in directions not intended by God's perfect plan, but despite what man means for evil, God is able to make into good. He wants me to take a step back and look at the big picture, so just maybe I'll see the beauty of it all.  

Thank you for giving the girl in the overalls with braided pigtails a second glance 19 years ago, DH. You are:

1. the love of my life

2. my hero

3. best friend

4. sweetguy

5. calm-to-my-crazy

6. treasured

7. cherished

8. amazing

9. incredible

10. discerning

11. selfless

12. talented

13. handsome

14. funny

15. respectable

16. admirable

17. patient

18. passionate

19. determined guy, and so so so many more things! 

 19 years ago may have started like just a normal day, but it now serves as a reminder that even when we don't realize it or maybe it just doesn't seem like it, God is always at work in our lives, seeking to bring good to His children for His glory. 

The Peppermint Marshmallow Candle...

This may be a record for how long I've gone between published blogposts. I've started many, but just haven't been able to finish them and actually post them. It's been a busy season changing from the various hats I'm blessed to wear right now. I'll admit that many of the past several months have been quite challenging and have caused me to hold things closer to my heart. I think I may understand a little more about what Luke 2:19 means in saying that, "But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart." Today isn't the day to dive into all of that, but I hope one day I can share it all here.

...

I'm currently sitting by our front window snuggled up in my favorite Mema blanket.  The chill coming from the front window coupled with the view of the streets blanketed in leaves having fallen from the now bare trees definitely set the perfect mood for an early December day. The past few days, I've really been wanting a candle to put in my studio to fill the house with a nice Christmas-y scent. I immediately thought of those amazing Bath and Body Works ones--you know how they always have the best holiday smelling candles? I just didn't think that was something I needed to spend the money on right now though. We went out as a family today to do some Christmas shopping, and Lucy and I went to pick out some gifts at Bath and Body Works. I found myself over at the candle section smelling this amazing Peppermint Marshmallow scent. We later headed for the line and Lucy asked me, "Where's the candle, Mom? I thought you wanted it?" I told her, "I'm not going to get it. I don't usually buy presents for myself before Christmas." A few moments later, a lady behind us in line came up and asked Lucy what the name of the candle was that I was wanting because she wanted to bless me with it. I couldn't believe it. She ran over to find it and I just started crying. The past several days I had been wanting a Bath and Body Works candle--it wasn't anything I needed by any means, but a total stranger simply heard a conversation I had with my daughter and, on the spot, chose to live generously and selflessly.

During the Christmas season, we reflect on lots of things and we practice many traditions. Perhaps the widest spread tradition is that of giving gifts. We may often lose sight of the reason behind our doing this, but the theme behind giving and receiving gifts is all because of our Saviour that was given to us so that we might have the gift of eternal life should we choose to receive it. Our church is currently asking our congregation to focus on acts of giving throughout this holiday season as we reflect on Christ's amazing gift to us. I find it so beautiful how the Lord would choose to allow me to be the recipient of such a precious example of someone's desire to be a blessing to someone else. I pray that the Lord will help me to have a spirit of generosity like this sweet woman did for me today.

Pass it on, friends!

Transformation...

*THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK...CLANK clink clack CLANK THUNK THUNK...*

It's been a symphony of construction at our house the past few weeks. While some might find the noise annoying, it was certainly more like music to our ears as years (literally!) of prayers had been creatively answered, even down to how we found a contractor that was perfect for the job we needed done. (Remember all of those neck issues I've been having? I spent months in physical therapy trying to get some relief from the issue and my physical therapist "happened" to mention he knew of a wonderful contractor.) I still remember when the contractor originally came out to our house and stepped around all of the toys in the garage, making measurements and telling us his plans of how he could make the space into a room. He was confident of his ability to transform our space, and while I knew that he could build a room out of our garage, I just wasn't sure how it would ever truly feel like anything but a garage. But, God opened the (garage) door wide open and made it clear this is what we were supposed to do, so we trusted the contractor and embarked on the expansion just a little over three weeks ago.

They started to work on a Monday and the frame went up on Tuesday. I excitedly entered the (still to me) garage after the workers left to see how everything looked, but my heart immediately sank. It looked SO tiny! How would we ever fit any furniture in there?! The space seemed so narrow... Perhaps we made a mistake in how we had planned it out? But thankfully, DH came home and calmed me down, had me walk around other bedrooms in the house for some perspective, and he reminded me that the room wasn't finished yet. It was going to look and feel different when it was all done, but I just wasn't able to see that end result at that point.

We stayed up late that second night into the project with Lucy, covering every single piece of framework in scripture. I'll never forget her turning to me at one point and saying, "Mommy, thank you so much for taking the time to do this with me. This is so special!"

We truly made it her room. I think that's when it started to feel more like it could actually be a bedroom and not just a garage.

We planned out where we thought her bed would go and placed scriptures on the framework by it about not being afraid, since she has often struggled with sleep issues. We placed specific scriptures over the closets and doorways and by the light switch, each one having significance for her precious life. With each step, we all grew more and more excited, but I still couldn't visualize what the finished product could possibly look like.

Every day, things happened that made the room more and more complete. Sheetrock, insulation, and texture were all added...

Built in shelves were added connected to a box-like structure that hid the garage door opener so we could continue to use the door automatically for our "new" remaining garage (it made it look like a built in bookcase) and doors were placed...

Everything got a fresh coat of paint...

And then carpet was laid and all of the finishing touches were made...

It certainly was no longer a garage but truly a gorgeous room and an incredible example of God's kindness and His response to many years of praying for the creativity to make this home work for our family. I find myself just wanting to sit in Lucy's new room and just soak in the beauty within those walls--not just the physical beauty of the fresh paint and pretty decorations, but the beauty of answered prayer, God's perfect timing, and His incredible plan. So often in life, I just cannot see past the ugliness of what I'm going through; I can't make sense of the hurt I'm experiencing or come to terms with the trials I'm facing, but God is able to see past the state that I'm currently in and knows what He's capable of doing through me. He knows what beauty He can make of the ashes. I may not be able to see what He's doing in my present circumstances, and I may not feel like I'll ever be able to view it any differently, but if I'll allow Him, my Jesus has the plans necessary to renovate even the dreariest of hearts into a beautiful, wonderful masterpiece. Just three weeks ago, I was parking my minivan in the very spot that my oldest daughter is now parking her head to sleep each evening, and it's really hard for me to think of it in its previous state now, because the room has truly been transformed. Perhaps I thought we were going to have someone come in and put up a wall, slap some paint on it, and we would just call it Lucy's new bedroom, but it would still always just be an old garage underneath. That's not what happened here though. Our contractor took a dirty old garage and transformed it into something totally new and amazing, and that's exactly what God desires to do with each of us...

The process isn't typically our favorite part of the journey (I think that applies to SO many areas of our lives!)--that's why I didn't really post any pictures about it all while we were in the process of having it done. I really wanted to be able to show it to y'all from start to finish, so I'm super excited that I can now take you on a tour of Lucy's new room, which feels like a big gift straight from our Heavenly Father!

The wall to the left when you walk into the room. We added some of our headbands to this $5 find!

I made the canvas with the theme verse I chose for Lucy years ago. I chose Psalm 66:19 for the chalkboard: "But surely God has listened; He has attended to the voice of my prayer."

...When we started discussing what Lucy might want as the new theme for her bedroom, she had one request: no pink! LOL! If you've seen her old room, you'll understand why! (The walls are VERY very very very pink!) However, she did end up deciding that some pink was actually okay:)  We talked about a music theme, mermaids, and threw some other ideas around, but then she told me one of the things she really wanted to have in her room was a nightstand with a lamp on it. That instantly reminded me of how her name means bringer of light, so we tossed around the idea of doing something with Matthew 5:16 on her walls, and that's when she decided that she wanted her overall theme to be scripture everywhere in her room. I certainly didn't have any objection to that! I love that she wanted her walls filled with Truth!

This might be my favorite design spot! She wanted something with John 3:16 on her walls ($6 clearance at Hobby Lobby!) and I found the little vases on my trip to the silos in Waco the week before her room was finished. Lucy's a huge "Fixer Upper" fan, so I wanted her to have something from my trip there.

I love how when you walk into her room, you see the calm color on the walls (Sherwin Williams' "Tame Teal") mixed with the clean white lines of the built in shelves and the fun, bright colors in her bedding. Instead of a nightstand lamp like originally planned, we ended up going with this fun multi-color floor lamp that bends in different directions, so it's perfect for her to use if she wants to read in bed. We also wanted her first dance recital frame as a focal point when you walk in the room since it's such a beautiful piece and dancing is a big part of her life with her love for musical theater.

The pink felt board has already been changed out three times--Lucy is having lots of fun with it!

Looking at the room from the opposite direction you can see her closet, the hot water heater hidden behind a closet, the door going into the rest of the house, and then another closet! While this room does belong to Lucy, I did tell her that I would be taking over the second closet! LOL! DH had the idea to put Lucy's toybox bench at the foot of her bed which is the perfect place for her to pile all of her stuffed animals into after she gets up every morning.

The built in shelves are seriously amazing! They are HUGE and are the perfect size for Lucy's very own American Girl dollhouse. The bins help hide clutter on the shelves (as much as possible) and she has lots of space for books and nick-knacks.

And in this photo, you can see that Lucy's new room is definitely the place to be! Everyone has been wanting to hang out there and play. Lucy's never been one to want to be off to herself, so I don't think she minds this one bit, yet she still has the option of having somewhere to go that's a little more quiet in the house when she wants to. The photos might not show it very well, but there is plenty of open floor space in the middle of the room which is so nice! You can also see the chest of drawers and desk that I found on facebook marketplace for her at an incredible price . They "just happen" to match the nightstand and headboard almost perfectly that someone passed down to us for her. We still need to find her a desk chair and desk lamp, but she's definitely all settled in and so appreciative of this amazing gift. It really is so precious to look at everything and see how it all came together and how the Lord provided in such a beautiful and abundant way.

One definition I found for the word "transformation" is this: a complete change in the appearance or character of something so that that thing is improved." Our garage has truly undergone a major transformation. My prayer is that as Lucy grows up in this space, her heart will continue to transform into the young woman God would have her to be. Keep shining brightly my little light bringer!

No Fast Passes for Kindergarten Graduation...

I really wish I had taken a picture of the Disney-esque line that was forming on the sidewalk outside of the kids' school. I was determined not to be a herd animal in the 100 degree heat (or what felt like it at least) and follow suit as everyone slowly began to line up behind one another, assuming that surely they would open the doors soon to let us all in. Nope. The car's air conditioner and contained children seemed a much better option for me until I saw actual movement of the line. Besides, at this point, we were going to be at the back of the line anyway since we obviously missed the last of the fast passes because we didn't abide by the "have your child here no later than 5:15" note.  oops. #momfail #rushhour #Iwonderifwewerethereasoneveryonehadtowait

Seriously, wouldn't it be great if life were all magical like Disney and we were given so many fast passes to use each day?! ;-)

When the doors flew open, flocks of excited moms, dads and grandparents made there way in anxiously to get a good seat while droves of fussy toddlers immediately caught sight of the refreshment table. My eyes quickly fixed themselves on a table of framed pictures of each individual kindergarten graduate in their cap and gown. I scanned all of them, looking for my Gabriel, and then DH pointed "he's right there." I then saw a photo of the sweetest, most handsome little boy, and my eyes filled with tears and my heart just overflowed. In his big, brown eyes were so much love, and in his smile was so much sweetness. And in that cap and gown I saw the baby boy that was growing up into a precious child that I have the privilege to mother and nurture and guide and protect. It was just a simple photo, but it was a reminder of another milestone my little one has reached. He's continuing to grow up, and I continue to be the one privileged to experience it with him. With that, I feel such weight, responsibility and gratitude!

As the graduates rounded the corner, they performed several of their songs and poems from the year, Gabriel ending each one with a "kiss emoji" face that had us all in stitches! I was reminded of his sense of humor and how he loves to make us all laugh.

During the program, he looked over to his Gigi and signed the letter "I" in sign language, followed by making a heart with his hand, and then pointing to her. Gigi pretty much puddled up into the floor right then and there--it was such a precious moment, reminding me of what a sensitive, loving heart Gabriel has.

When his teacher spoke of Gabriel when he received his diploma, she talked about how Gabriel was very special to her from the start because when she first saw him, it was like one of her sons had walked into the room--Gabriel looked just like he did when he was that age! I love that they had a special bond because of that. She also said how he knew all of the Bible stories so well (apparently Jonah and the Whale is his favorite, or at least that is what he chose to draw in his picture) and how special and loved he is, and he knows it, because he has two moms! I love that those are the words she spoke to him at this special moment in his life, and I hope he will carry that with him and remember them in the days to come as he grows older. I don't ever want him to forgot how special he truly is because of this! He is SO so very loved by so many people! I think every time I see him experience a milestone, I get extra emotional because I realize what a gift it is.

I could have missed this. He could have missed this. Our lives could have been so different. But God.

God, in His wisdom, made a way to bring our family together. It is such a reminder to me in every aspect of life that I can trust God with the details, for who else could work them out so beautifully? It might be tempting to follow the crowd with their large lines forming outside the cafeteria walls, and I may be tempted to want to turn in a fast pass by rushing things along instead of waiting on His perfect timing, but my prayer is that I can keep my eyes fixed firmly on my Jesus, and I can allow my heart to wait patiently for His prompting.

 A verse I love for Gabriel is Deuteronomy 31:6 which reads,  

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes before you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." 

 Congratulations to my favorite-est little boy in the whole entire world!

Traffic Lights...

Thursdays are what DH and I refer to as "date day." Three of the four kids are in school, so we try not to plan anything during the lunch hour so that we can go out to eat together. Considering the fact that we still have Tiny T with us, it's technically nowhere near a romantic getaway, but we really enjoy our Thursday "Toller trio" dates. Last Thursday, I had a physical therapy appointment for my neck, so Evangeline got to hang out with Daddy in his office for a bit while I had needles poked through the muscles of my back and neck (I'm getting desperate, y'all!), and she ended up falling asleep watching Buck Denver in his office, so instead of waking her (by child number four, you just know better!) we decided it would be better for me to just bring some takeout up to the church and have a picnic in DH's office. (Any time spent together is a plus in our book!:)

Anyway, after I picked up our food, I pulled out onto what is possibly one of the busiest streets in our area of the city we live in, only to discover that the stoplights were blinking red. As you probably know, this means that everyone has to treat the crossroads as a four-way stop. The only problems is that there are multiple lanes, and apparently, every single car in every single lane of every single side had an agenda that was far more pressing than anyone else's. It was mass chaos! Have you ever seen those old black and white films of people driving before there were stoplights?

It's crazy trying to make sense of it all! However, even with proper guidelines set in place for these types of situations (which everyone with a current drivers license is supposed to know to have been able to pass the exam to receive a license) all bets were basically off. People are so used to the obvious laws that traffic symbols provide us that once you take those away, we don't know how to respond with the freedom to act on our own free will. A part of me wanted to just sit and give up and not even move my car at all, just out of the fear that I was going to get hit. And then at another point (because there were multiple lights that were down) I found myself wanting to be extremely aggressive and just go for it, not even knowing if it was actually my turn or not but just getting it over with and getting to my destination.

I then discovered I was chuckling at myself. I didn't know how to respond to an opportunity without the typical boundaries set in place--boundaries that are there to provide order and safety--and it appeared that no one else did either.

I immediately thought of how this so relates to our spiritual lives. God has so lovingly placed boundaries in our lives because He knows they will help guide us in the right direction. They make it clearer which direction to go and when we should go in that direction. They keep us from stumbling into things we should not, from crashing into obstacles, and from running over others hastily. Boundaries often seem confining, but they exist to keep us safe. We get frustrated when they stop us at inconvenient times, or when they slow us down before we want, but that's because we can't see beyond them, and our Heavenly Daddy can. You see, He loves us too much to not give us boundaries.  What we so often see as confinement and even punishment is actually a loving place of safety our Father has provided specifically for us to thrive within for our good and His glory.

We are currently dealing with an almost two year old who does NOT like to be confined and restricted by any means whatsoever. She refuses to stay put in her crib, fights being placed in her carseat, discovers ways to climb over any baby gate, and is not detoured by any type of child proof lid, latch or lock. To say we are exhausted is an understatement, for it has to encompass every portion of the word mentally, physically, etc. But what a picture this precious child is to me of my relationship with my Daddy-God. I am constantly having to tell her "no" and to pull her away from things that will harm her and that are not good for her, and she continually refuses to listen to me and runs back to them out of her own selfish desires, but out of my love for her, I passionately pursue her to ensure her safety with the goal that she will one day learn to follow these goals on her own will. I am relentless in my pursuit of her until that time though because I love her too much to let her harm herself.

Do we truly grasp our Daddy-God's love for us--the height and the depth and the greatness of it? He has spared nothing to show it to us, and He continually pours it out to us. Sometimes, it's with a bright green light telling us we can move ahead, often times it's with a blazing yellow light reminding us to slow down and wait for His perfect timing, or perhaps He will ask us to come to a complete stop out of His pure love for us. Will we trust that what He has for us will fulfill us far more than anything we could ever seek out on our own?