From December 20th, 2012
I remember very clearly one Sunday morning worship service around six years ago. I was standing next to my husband, and the worship team was leading out in "Victory in Jesus"...and I felt ANYthing but victorious.
|Me and DH in 2006-a few months before his cancer diagnosis|
You see, it probably was no secret to those around me that I was pretty disappointed in life at that point. I was working at a job that I hated with horrible hours, there was some tension at my husband's job that made things pretty stressful at times, and at the forefront of it all, we were struggling to start a family. My desire to be a mother was so strong, and I literally ached for a child to be in my arms. I felt broken, empty, and helpless with everything going on around me. Life was not what I had expected.
So, in that moment six years ago, I got my first taste of a much-needed dose of perspective. While hard to swallow and heartbreaking to endure, I am thankful for it, and I know without a doubt that God used it in our lives in so many ways. All of a sudden, my job, my husband's job, and our empty arms didn't matter. Instead of focusing on all of the things I DIDN'T have in my life, I realized all of the things God had already blessed me with, and I knew I needed to learn to be thankful for those blessings...that's not to say that I started living victoriously through life right away though...
About a week after DH's surgery, we learned that he did in fact have cancer. We were also told that it would be very difficult, if even possible, for us to conceive a child on our own. I remember so many tears being shed, so many questions filling our minds, and so much confusion and maybe even anger. So, as we entered into the church sanctuary for the first time since DH's surgery, and all of those around me were singing "Victory in Jesus," I felt completely conflicted. I wanted to be victorious, but life was uncertain, and while I tried my best to sing out the words, I finally just gave up. I wanted to overcome my disappointment, but I felt so defeated. There was nothing that I could do--life was beyond my control, and I was truly anything BUT victorious. But as I look back to that morning, I realize one very important truth: I was right that I couldn't be victorious, but I was missing the whole point of the song. Victory is not found in anything I can do; true victory is found in JESUS! 2 Corinthians 2:9-10 says this:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
|11/2007: A family of THREE and DH is almost 1 year cancer free!|
|December 2012: we're a family of FOUR & DH is almost 6 years cancer free!|