Victory when life feels anthing BUT victorious...

I'm a bit behind on some things that I wanted to post about over the holidays, so here is the first of a back-dated post...

From December 20th, 2012

I remember very clearly one Sunday morning worship service around six years ago. I was standing next to my husband, and the worship team was leading out in "Victory in Jesus"...and I felt ANYthing but victorious.

Me and DH in 2006-a few months before his cancer diagnosis

Just a few weeks prior to that, on December 30th, I was working at what was then Cingular Wireless. DH had dropped me off and was going to spend the day in town until I got off work so we could meet some friends for dinner and exchange Christmas presents, but that get together didn't get to happen that evening. DH had noticed a problem around Christmas time, and between holiday get togethers and a youth event right after Christmas, that Saturday was the first chance he had to go get things checked out.  So, he went in to the clinic just to make sure everything was okay.  They sent him over to the hospital for xrays, tests, etc., and the next thing we knew he was being taken back into emergency surgery for what appeared to be cancer.  Since he had dropped me off at work, I had no car (not to mention that my work wouldn't let me off, so I had to take a "point" to be able to leave early,) and by the time we figured out what was going on and his mom could come pick me up, I didn't get to the hospital until right as they had taken him back into the operating room.  I can remember that day and my emotions as if it had just happened moments ago.  In one instant, everything that had been bogging me down suddenly didn't matter at all to me anymore.  All I wanted was for my dear husband to be OK.

You see, it probably was no secret to those around me that I was pretty disappointed in life at that point.  I was working at a job that I hated with horrible hours, there was some tension at my husband's job that made things pretty stressful at times, and at the forefront of it all, we were struggling to start a family.  My desire to be a mother was so strong, and I literally ached for a child to be in my arms.  I felt broken, empty, and helpless with everything going on around me.   Life was not what I had expected.

So, in that moment six years ago, I got my first taste of a much-needed dose of perspective. While hard to swallow and heartbreaking to endure, I am thankful for it, and I know without a doubt that God used it in our lives in so many ways.   All of a sudden, my job, my husband's job, and our empty arms didn't matter.  Instead of focusing on all of the things I DIDN'T have in my life, I realized all of the things God had already blessed me with, and I knew I needed to learn to be thankful for those blessings...that's not to say that I started living victoriously through life right away though...

About a week after DH's surgery, we learned that he did in fact have cancer.  We were also told that it would be very difficult, if even possible, for us to conceive a child on our own.  I remember so many tears being shed, so many questions filling our minds, and so much confusion and maybe even anger.  So, as we entered into the church sanctuary for the first time since DH's surgery, and all of those around me were singing "Victory in Jesus," I felt completely conflicted.  I wanted to be victorious, but life was uncertain, and while I tried my best to sing out the words, I finally just gave up.  I wanted to overcome my disappointment, but I felt so defeated. There was nothing that I could do--life was beyond my control, and I was truly anything BUT victorious. But as I look back to that morning, I realize one very important truth: I was right that I couldn't be victorious, but I was missing the whole point of the song. Victory is not found in anything I can do; true victory is found in JESUS! 2 Corinthians 2:9-10 says this:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

11/2007: A family of THREE and DH is almost 1 year cancer free!

When I realize my weakness, I make room to invite God's STRENGTH into my life. When I realize my helplessness, I make room for God's MIRACLES.  Basically, when I come to terms with my humanity, I make room for GOD to be God.   And within just a little over a month after the doctor's dreaded news, we saw God work a huge miracle in our family's life as we learned that we were expecting a child who would come to be known as our precious miracle girl, Lucy Shea.  We have been blessed to celebrate each year milestone of DH being cancer free with our precious daughter by our side, and as each year passes, I think we realize more and more what a true miracle our Lucy is to us since we continue to struggle to conceive a child.  However, God continues to work His amazing miracles in our lives as we trust in Him, and we certainly saw the evidence of that in 2012 as we welcomed our long-awaited baby boy into our family through the amazing gift of adoption.  Interestingly enough, his story ties into DH's cancer as well, but I'll save that post for another time.  Right now, I just wanted to take a moment to say how thankful we are to celebrate DH being cancer free for another year.  While God would still be good even if that wasn't His plan for our family, we are so thankful that He has allowed DH to remain cancer free, and we are so thankful for the victory we can have through our Lord and Saviour! 

December 2012: we're a family of FOUR & DH is almost 6 years cancer free!