Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Another step on our journey...

I realized I never posted here about the exciting news we received last week:  Our interview for the start of our homestudy has been scheduled!  This means that the huge mound of never-ending paperwork actually did have an end--and we reached it!!  It has ALL been turned in and has ALL been received, so that means we get to move on to the next step of our adoption journey!  (I'm learning that each "baby step" in this process feels so monumental.  Picture me in a hotel room getting ready for a conference DH and I were at last week.  He yells (I could hear a smile in his voice:) into the bathroom, "Guess what I got in my E-mail, PB?"  I look out and ask, "What?"  He replies, "They're scheduling our interview!"  Now imagine me RUNNING out to hover over him at his laptop screen and then start skipping and screaming excitedly through the room!  Yes, I really did that:)  I can't even imagine the flood of emotions we will feel when we are actually holding our baby and bringing them home if I get this excited over an interview being scheduled! LOL:)

The "big day" is March 16th, so it's just a little over a week away now.  (For all of you Apple fans, it's a date I'm sure you can remember easily;-)  It's probably going to be about a three-and-a-half to four hours long interview that will take place at the agency's office.  It's weird because when we first started thinking about adoption, so many things made me really nervous, and the homestudy was one of them.  (It seemed very invasive to me, and there's that fear in the back of your head saying, "What if they don't think you're good enough to be a parent...")  But it's been so neat to see how the Lord has been guiding my emotions through this process.  I'm naturally a VERY easily stressed out person, and I tend to live in fear of a lot of things.  But with each step we've taken on this journey, the Lord has given me the most overwhelming peace.  It's so incredible, and so NOT me, that I know it has to be the from HIM.  And with this interview being scheduled, he really did an amazing work in my heart...let me go back and try to explain what I mean...

As most of you know, my father passed away just a few months before Lucy was born.  For years, I had committed to praying for him DAILY to have a close relationship with the Lord.  I wanted to see him live a transformed life, because he was just always busying himself so much.  (He was such a hard worker, and he worked hard because he wanted to provide a good life for his family, and also because I think that's where he thought he would find worth.)  So when he passed away so suddenly, and I didn't really witness that transformation, it really impacted my spiritual walk.  How on earth could my daddy passing away like that be God's answer to so many hours spent in prayer to him on my daddy's behalf?  I just didn't understand, and it really effected my prayer life.  I found it really hard to fully truly trust Jesus with my heart's cries, because I was so afraid with what He might do with those requests.  As we've struggled to conceive, I found myself again just not understanding what the Lord was doing.  Why would He place a desire in my heart that He wasn't going to fulfill?  I was heartbroken, month after month, and felt myself asking God again and again, "Why, Lord?  What are you doing?  I just don't understand."  Moving on to a few weeks ago as I was praying, I realized I was praying very boldly.  I was being very specific and just honestly presenting my requests before the Lord...and then I found myself stopping suddenly thinking, "Maybe I shouldn't be praying this way..."  But then I felt the Lord telling me that this was exactly how He wanted me to come before Him--with my WHOLE heart and exactly as I was...but to TRUST Him with the outcome, no matter what.  I was reminded that I serve a mighty God who is capable of ANYthing.  He wants me to approach Him boldly with great expectation and with a confidence that He WILL answer.  But God's ways are so much higher than ours that we can't always understand why He answers the way He does, but He still wants us to pour our hearts out to Him and trust Him.  So that's what I have committed to doing.  I began to pray very boldly concerning our adoption, and I prayed specifically that we would receive word by last Wednesday that we were going to be moving on to the next step of our adoption process...and then the Email from our agency came on Tuesday.  I can't tell you what a blessing that was to me.  I felt as if God was saying, "Yes, PB, you can approach me boldly.  It may not always turn out exactly like you envision, but just know that you CAN trust me with your heart's desire.  I'm here.  I'm listening.  And I'm WORKING!"

So, please join me in praying boldly as we continue our journey to finding our precious child and their birthmother.  I am praying for a smooth and straight road, but I'm trusting God to lead us through any twists and turns that may come along the way...and yes, you may see me jumping up and down along the pathway in excitement for what He has in store!:-)

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