Rollercoaster of Emotions...

I'm kind of hesitant to write this, because I'm not sure if my heart can handle the responses it could get, but this blog is my outlet, so here goes... These past few weeks, I have got to be honest...have been HARD.  I find myself feeling so sad and maybe even discouraged about the whole adoption process.  Nothing has changed-we still absolutely love our agency (in fact, I was just telling DH last night how I continually feel so affirmed in our decision to use Christian Homes.  I can't imagine adopting through anyone else.  I seriously can't say enough good things about this agency!) But the waiting is just getting to me.  I know, I know, it's not like we've been waiting THAT long.  In fact, the process has gone very smoothly and relatively quickly for us since we began the adoption process...but please keep in mind that we have been longing to expand our family for much longer than when we started the adoption process.  Those of you that have TTC know the feeling all to well-that heart-wrenching-sinking feeling you get every month when you realize you aren't pregnant.  Well, now that feeling seems to come at the end of every DAY when I realize we haven't gotten a call.  My heart.just.sinks. It's like I'm on an emotional roller coaster-I jumped on willingly and excitedly for the ride, but I have no control over when it's going to end, and the ups and downs are really starting to get to me...but at the same time, like any fellow roller coaster fan, I don't want to get off.  All of those ups and downs are what makes the ride what it is, so you don't want to miss a moment, no matter how sick to your stomach some of the twists and turns may make you, because you don't want to miss out on the full experience.  I really do not want to miss out on the full experience of what God has for us in this whole process, but I just want to take a moment to be completely honest and say, yes, Lord, I'm willing, but IT.IS.HARD.   We checked in with our case worker recently and learned that we had been looked at by a Birthmother, but she ended up choosing a different couple that she had more in common with.  I know that just wasn't the Birthmother and baby God has chosen for our family, and I can say with all sincerity as I look at the web page and see the couples who recently have had babies placed with them, my heart is so joyful for them to have just the baby that is meant to be with their family.  I know our day will come, too! (and it will be met with lots of jumping up and down, I'm sure, if my record serves me correctly:-) but I have to admit that when I read those words that we weren't picked, my emotions just broke open and spilled out.  Doubt began to creep into my mind, "What if we don't have anything in common with any of the birthmoms?  What if we never get picked?  What's wrong with our profile that a Birthmother wouldn't want to pick us?"...and then reality came to my rescue and I realized I was letting the Enemy fill my head with lies.  God DOES have a baby for us-I'm confident! But I just don't know when, and that is where God is going to strengthen my  faith and guide us through.  It really is so much sweeter to let him unfold this story for us.  For one, I do NOT have control over this situation anyway, but I do know the One who does have control, and I choose to trust Him.  That doesn't mean that it's a journey free of emotion tho, and I believe God wants us to be honest about that. I'd recently been really beating myself up over feeling kind of down about it all, as if I wasn't fully trusting God because I'm not jumping through each day on top of the world...but my sadness and disappointment isn't out of not trusting that God's timing is perfect and that He is in control and has the perfect Birthmother and baby for us...its just an emotional journey getting there.  On a ride, you often let out screams and gasps, and maybe even a few tears, but you're still confident that you're going to get to the end.  I think that's kind of where I'm at in this process (only mine has involved a lot more than just a *few* tears.) Don't get me wrong-I'm not saying that I don't want to walk through life victoriously, even when things are hard.  I'm just saying that the Lord reminded me that He gave us our emotions, and it's OK to admit the truth behind what you're experiencing, and right now, the truth is that it's hard to wait.   All of that being said, just please pray for patience for us-joyous patience-because I know when we allow God to write our story, the ending is so much more beautiful, and I'm certainly looking forward to our beautiful ending!