Letting Go of What I Hold Most Dear...

I'll be posting about Gabriel's finalization once I have all of the pictures gathered.  It was an amazingly incredibly super special day though, for sure!  Be on the lookout for that post...

But for today, I wanted to share some thoughts with ya'll that I had this morning during my quiet time...

I attended a Family Variety Show last week that was put on by some dear friends of ours.  Their 5 year old twins recited part of Luke chapter 2 and it was seriously SO precious!  There's something about hearing sweet little voices quoting scriptures that just melts my hearts and makes me smile.  As I went to open my Bible this morning, I felt compelled to read over that familiar passage, and I'm so glad that I did!  I got to verse 19, and it just really stuck out to me:

"But Mary treasured up all of these things, pondering them in her heart."

As I looked back to see what "all of these things" was referring to, I went back to verse 11, where the angels proclaim to the shepherds that this baby who has been born is "the Saviour."  I couldn't help but wonder if maybe that's what Mary was pondering.  Perhaps she was looking at her baby boy and wondering what His future was going to entail being the "Saviour."


As I look at my own sweet baby boy, I can't help but wonder what his life will entail, too.  I wonder this about Lucy, too, of course, but with Gabriel there are some other unknowns added into the equation.  Since Gabriel was added into our family by the gift of adoption, he will experience certain questions and struggles as he grows older I am sure.  My mommy heart wants to protect him from all of these questions and possible hurts, but I know that I can't.  I wonder what his feelings and his questions will be as he begins to understand his beautiful story.  How will it effect him?  How will our relationship as a family be with his birth family as he gets older--will that become more difficult and will it be difficult for him?  What about for his birthmother--how will she be effected as he grows older?  So many questions that continue on and on in my head, but the same truth stands for them all:

GOD is in CONTROL

As I kissed and hugged my baby girl as I dropped her off for school this morning, I had to fight the urge to focus on fearing for her life in light of the recent school tragedy.  I was reminded that she's really not mine--she's on loan to me by our Heavenly Father who has given DH and me the privilege of caring for her and guiding her through life.  No amount of worry or fear or caution will change the fact that God is ultimately in control and He is always caring for her and watching out for her and going before her.  

 

 My greatest defense strategy as a mom is not in worrying over my children or trying to keep them in a bubble and shield them from life.  No, my greatest defense as a mother is found in surrendered hands that are willing to let go of the most precious gifts I've been given and trusting them to my Saviour.  My greatest battles are fought (and won!) not by words or deeds but by calloused knees and worn pages in my Bible.  

I'm so thankful and humbled by the gift of being Lucy and Gabriel's mom, but I pray my focus as a mother would always be, first and foremost, on my God and Saviour!

Still on the journey, but not like before...

The house is so quiet...at least for the moment anyway:)  Everyone is asleep...except me of course, but that's pretty typical:/ Tomorrow is just such a big day, and my mind won't shut down...

Since I started this blog, you've probably read many statements over the past several months that spoke of "another step in the journey" or something along those lines, and tomorrow it seems like we come to the culmination of each of those steps, because tomorrow (technically today since I'm up past midnight) we get to finalize Gabriel's adoption!  It's so crazy to look back on this past year and retrace each of those monumental steps...

• Feeling called to adopt (My first blog entry)
• Choosing an agency (12/31/11)
• Attending orientation (January 2012)
• Starting the paperwork (January 2012) (remember me blogging about the MOUNDS of paperwork, plus necessary classes, fingerprinting, scrapbook, dear birthmother letter, etc.)
• FINISHING the paperwork! (March 2012)
• Interviews and Homestudy (March 2012)
• Getting approved (April 10, 2012)
• Getting our online profile
• Getting the call that a birthmother had chosen us
• Meeting the birthmother!
• Waiting for baby boy to arrive
• Gabriel's birth (June 26th, 2012)
• Bringing Gabriel home (June 28th, 2012)
• Waiting the 30 days for parental rights to be terminated
• Post placement visits
• Waiting for a court date/turning in documents to attorney
• Court date being set for 12/12/12!

So it would seem that now we are at the end of our journey, but now that we're here, it really seems like our journey has only just begun.  Perhaps this part of our adoption journey is coming to a close, but I don't think the road will ever come to a halt.  There will be new moments to experience as a family as we continue to wait for what God has in store for us...the only difference is that this time, we will be waiting as a family of FOUR, and we could not be any more thankful or blessed!

We are still on the journey

But it's not like before

For we started as three

And now we are four.

A Tribute to the REAL heroes...

I’m so excited that by this time next week we will have Gabriel’s adoption finalized!  These past 5 months have FLOWN by, and while I never want to wish away time, I have to say I will be so happy once everything is official.  I was telling Lucy this morning how she was going to have to miss school one day next week.  Here’s how the conversation went...

Lucy: “Why?”
Me: “Because we have to go to court.  We are going to see the judge who is going to proclaim that Gabriel is officially a part of our family.”
(without a pause) Lucy: “But Gabriel already IS a part of our family!”

I can’t even tell you how much joy filled my heart at that very moment.  My mommy heart just overflowed to hear my daughter say those words...not because I haven’t seen the evidence that Lucy loves her baby brother and views him as her baby brother, but just to actually hear her say the words.  To her, it doesn’t matter that he didn’t grow inside of my belly, because Gabriel is HER brother that is a part of HER family.  I love that it doesn’t matter to her that is skin is darker than her or that he doesn’t look just like her.  In each of our hearts, we know that Gabriel is the baby boy GOD chose to be a part of our family, and no one else could ever fill that role in our family.

It’s interesting to me to hear people’s response to Gabriel’s adoption.  Just this week, I had someone at a restaurant asking me questions about Gabriel. “He’s such a big baby!  Was his daddy a big baby, too?”  Well, no, his daddy was a premie!  OR, “Just look at all of that hair!  Does his daddy or did you have a lot of hair like that when ya’ll were babies?”  Well, no, not at all!  I finally told the lady, “Well, no, his daddy wasn’t a big baby, and no neither of us had quite that much hair, but that’s because we actually adopted him.”  I always hesitate to tell people that Gabriel is adopted.  NOT because I’m ashamed of it--I love the fact that he is adopted!  And I love getting to talk about adoption.  But, I usually hesitate to bring it up because a passing conversation with a stranger gets a general response from them that goes something like this, “Oh my goodness that is just SO wonderful.  What an amazing thing you have done.  What a blessing for that boy that you would do that for him.”  I am SO proud of the fact that Gabriel is adopted...but NOT because that makes me into some kind of hero.  I’m proud of the fact that he is adopted because of how blessed I’ve been to see God’s hand guide our family down HIS perfect path for us.  And while yes, DH and I had to be willing to choose adoption, I don’t feel like I need to be rewarded or praised for that decision, because it’s the amazing path that God chose FOR our family, and we are so humbled by that.  I do pray that Gabriel’s life will be blessed by having us as his parents, but WE are the ones that have truly been so blessed.

Gabriel’s birthmom loved him so much that she made the most selfless decision anyone could make--SHE is the hero!

My dear friend who told me about our adoption agency--SHE is the hero!

Our kids playing together the night Kursten told me about Christian Homes

 All of the people at Christian Homes who gave of their time and talents to make our adoption happen--THEY are the heroes!

Our caseworker, Margaret and us at our last post-placement visit

All of you who purchased a CD...

My solo piano album fundraiser

 or a T-shirt...

our family wearing the fundraiseer shirts DH designed for ours and the Gruben's adoptions

or came to or purchased from the Lucy Loops open house that my precious friend threw for us to fundraise,  or gave sacrificially to help us bring our son home--YOU are the heroes!

Some of my Lucy Loops "Bows with a Twist" from the party Jennifer W had for us

And all of your who prayed right alongside us and encouraged us each step of this journey--YOU are the heroes! 

DH and I do not want to be placed on some lofty platform where we are viewed as saints--we are on the receiving end of the work done by so many others, and we are humbled, grateful, and SO so so very blessed beyond measure! 

So, as we look forward to the consummation of Gabriel’s adoption, please know even if you can’t be there in person (although know that you ARE most certainly invited!  Let me know if you want information on it!) that you will be there with us in our hearts, for God has worked through YOU to make this journey possible for US.  You have helped us become a family--a REAL family--and we are forever grateful to you! 

Happy Anniversary DH!

From 11/29/12:

Ten years ago, I was a ball full of nerves and excitement as we finished up the final touches at the church and prepared for the rehearsal dinner for our wedding. I was spending my last day as PBR, and I was so excited at the lifetime God had ahead of me. I was SOOO young, a bit naive I'm sure, but completely confident that this was God's plan for my life. People would ask me why I was getting married so young when there was so much life yet to be experienced. (I was just 20.) My response became something along these lines: "I believe God has a great plan for each of our lives, but I believe He can accomplish His will for my life more fully by placing me with this amazing man to be my spiritual leader, partner in ministry, and partner in life." I have thought of that statement many times and still cling to its truth-over and over again I have seen how God has drawn Michael and I closer together as a couple to be able to accomplish His will in a much greater sense than we ever could have done on our own. Don't get me wrong-this has nothing to do with us! It's all about what God has chosen to do through us, and we are so humbled, grateful, and blessed by his plan and His path for our family!

Five years ago, we celebrated 5 years of marriage by going out to dinner...with our newborn daughter. And now that another 5 years has passed, God has blessed us with another child! (I will be honest and say I hope He will bless us with another before the next 5 years rolls around tho;-) to celebrate our "diamond anniversary" we took a getaway to the Gaylord. Was it nice to be able to sleep undisturbed throughout the night? Yes! Was it nice to go out to dinner and it be just the two of us? Yes! Is it nice to just follow our own schedule of what we want to do? Yes! (Although during these times of being without the kids, we talk about them constantly!) But the reason these rare times are enjoyed so much is because of the blessing we have been given of being parents. DH and I have done a LOT of traveling since we were married, having lived so far away from most of our family for so long, but we've always enjoyed our times in the car together to just be able to visit and laugh and dream with one another. It's funny to see how our conversations are now, ten years into our marriage. We weren't just visiting and laughing and dreaming with one another about one another on this trip. Instead, we were talking about our kids, laughing at the silly things they say and do and the ways they make us smile, and dreaming of what God will have them be in their lives. With each thing that we see on our getaway, I find myself saying, "Wouldn't Lucy love this?" Or "I wonder what Gabriel's reaction to this would be?"

All of that being said, I'm just filled with so much thankfulness today that God has placed me on this path for my life as a traveler alongside such an amazing man I get to call my DH.

Happy "diamond" anniversary to the love of my life!!

Another step in the journey...

As I'm typing this, I have the sweetest baby boy sitting very contentedly in my lap.  I think back to a year ago, when my arms felt so empty as we struggled through the loss each month of realizing we weren't pregnant, and we so badly wanted to expand our family.   But now here I am, with a full lap!  When we were driving home the other day, DH and I just looked at each other, and I said, "Wow...how did we get to be so blessed?"  My heart truly feels like it's overflowing when I think of it--not only has God given me the gift of being a wife to the most amazing husband, but he's also given me the gift of being a mother to these two precious children.  I am so very thankful!

Around this time last year, Gabriel's birthmother was going to her first prenatal appointment, and today, DH and I will take him to our last post-placement visit with our caseworker.  We feel so very blessed that we are already to this point in our adoption journey.  Only God could orchestrate everything so beautifully, and we are grateful, thankful, and humbled!

Christmas Inspirations...

Black Friday...you either love it, or you avoid it like the plague!  My family falls into that first category though: We LOVE Black Friday!  It's not just about the good deals and that rush of finding the PERFECT gift for someone though.  Nope.  This specific shopping day holds a pretty special tradition for my family members...

My father was a VERY hard worker.  He pretty much worked 7 days a week from very early in the morning until late in the night many nights.  He rarely took days off, but there were a few days he always took off, Thanksgiving and Black Friday being two of the few.  Getting to spend special one on one time with him was a treat, so around fifteen years ago when he asked me if I wanted to go Black Friday shopping with him, I enthusiastically agreed.  I remember it being dark outside when we huddled into our Nissan Stanza wagon and headed for K-Mart to snag an amazing deal on some diamond bracelets.  From there, we went on to Sears, where Daddy checked out all of the tool sales.  Next, we were one of the first to enter Mervyn's and JC Penney to receive their annual holiday ornament freebies.  Eventually, we ended up at Ross where my Dad picked out the most amazing nine west knee-high old-timey lace-up leather boots for me, which I still own:)  It was a full day, and an exhausting day, but it was special to spend time together.  So, thus began the start of our family tradition of Black Friday shopping.  My family had it down to a fine science: someone would go pick up several copies of the newpaper on Thanksgiving morning, and throughout the day we would all scour over the sale ad pages, marking down the finds we hoped to grab and creating a detailed list of where to be, when to be there, and what to get.  It may seem like a silly and almost worldly tradition to some, but it really was so much more than just buying presents.  To me, it was about being together as a family and joining forces to do something together.  We didn't take a yearly summer vacation together, and we didn't even eat dinner around the table together (we rarely got to eat dinner together period), but on that one day each year, we spent it together.  That time meant more to me than any amazing bargain or any gift, and I treasure it.

Lucy's first Black Friday shopping experience, 2007

My father passed away over five years ago, but we've kept up our family's tradition of Black Friday shopping.  We even took Lucy out with us in the wee hours of the morning when she was just a few weeks old (goodness knows we weren't sleeping anyway! LOL:)  I will admit, it isn't the same, but in a way, just going out on that day keeps my Daddy with me through the holiday season, because I know if he were still alive, he would most certainly be there with me.  Sometimes, the grief I have over his loss is so heavy that I feel like I can't even breathe.  I miss his jolly, contagious laugh, his thick, southern (and often exaggerated) drawl, and his silly jokes.  Mostly though, I just miss his presence with me.  Even when he was alive, it was something I didn't get as much of as I longed for...

So why do I write about all of this today?  With the cooler temps finally showing up in West Texas, the feeling of fall is in the air, and as I looked out the window at the leaves flying through the streets as I sipped on my cup of pumpkin spice coffee, my mind raced towards Thanksgiving.  I've been working on a Christmas album and having a really difficult time coming up with arrangements that I'm happy with, but this morning I felt drawn to the piano.  I remember DH telling me the other day, "If you're going to call it 'Christmas Inspirations,' then just think of what inspires you about Christmas."  I've been chewing on his statement for the past several days, and this morning, the answer finally struck me: Presence.  The one thing I longed for from my earthly father so much was his presence, and the one thing my Heavenly Father desires for me is to be ever in His presence.  I cannot experience the presence of my Daddy anymore on this earth, but I can daily experience the presence of my Heavenly Daddy.  Do I take that for granted though?  My prayer is that not just through this holiday season, but throughout every single day I will bask in the glory and wonder of my Daddy-God's presence.  The reason for this season we are coming upon is all about celebrating the most amazing gift we could ever be given: the presence of an almighty God, who loved us so much that He came to this earth to be with us.  Now THAT'S a gift you won't find in the sale ads for Black Friday, but it's one I pray I will take with me everywhere I go...
...
Here's a sneak peak at a "rough draft" of one of the songs on my Christmas album:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXzhiaPGOuo

Moments Make Memories...

My baby girl has now been 5 years old for over a week.  Sometimes I catch myself trying to say something about my "4 year old," and then I remember she's not 4 anymore.  I know everyone says it as they get older, but seriously, time really does fly by.  The older you get, the quicker the days pass by.  As we were praying with Lucy before she went to bed tonight, I found myself just wanting to bottle the moment up of my cheek being pressed against hers while Daddy prayed over her, of her sweet giggles as I showered her with kisses, and her precious smile with all of her baby teeth present.  I know there will come a day where she doesn't want her momma snuggling so close next to her and showering her face with kisses and where her baby face grin will turn into a beautiful young lady smile.  I don't necessarily want time to stand still, because there's so many wonderful things to experience with each stage of life, but I do want to always stay in check that I'm not taking any of these moments for granted.  After all, these moments are what make memories, so what kind of memories do I want to create for her?

I remember hearing someone say that we have 9 whole months of carrying our children in our bellies close to us, but a lifetime of learning to let them go, and it seems that the older our children get, the harder it is to let go.  We see these milestones pop up all over the place, and one of them made their presence known this week in the drop off lane at school.  I really enjoy taking Lucy into the school building each day.  I open the car door for her and hold her sweet little hand as we walk into the building.  When we get into the cafeteria, I give her a big hug and kiss and tell her to have a good day and to eat a carrot (a family thing we say that means, "I love you.")  I usually visit a bit with her TA who is a good friend of mine, and then I head back home and fire up the keurig.  This morning was different though.  DH had to leave the house early to make a hospital visit, and he usually stays home with GP while I take Lucy to school and then he goes to work after I get back.  But since he wasn't home this morning, I had to load Gabriel up.  Lucy asked if she could walk in "all by myself" this morning, so I decided that would be OK since it would be kind of difficult to get GP out of the car for such a short period of time.  She was so excited!  I opened the door for her, gave her a hug and a kiss and told her to eat a carrot (I'm not ready to let go over the whole drop off SOE!) and then she excitedly ran off, her cheerleader skirt swinging back and forth while her pig tails bounced up and down.  I could tell she was so excited and felt like such a big girl to be all by herself...but what she didn't know is that her mommy didn't just drop her off and drive away.  No way!  I slowly drove the car forward as she walked forward so I could get a view of her making it into the building.  As I drove off, I sighed.  My baby girl is getting so big and so desires to experience that taste of independence.  It made me think about my relationship with my Heavenly Father, too.  Sometimes, I'm just like my little four five year old daughter, wanting to taste my independence and go at things alone.  But, even when I do try to go at it alone, my Jesus is always there watching over me, waiting for me to come back and realize it's always best to let Him lead the way.  I doubt my little Lucy is going to revert back to wanting her momma to walk her into the school building every day for the next twelve years (you know this momma sure is going to try tho!) but I do hope she realizes that I'm always willing to walk by her side and be there for her...and if she doesn't, I'll just have to drive slowly behind;-)